Paradox of grief

 You hold grief prisoner,

Though you cannot contain fleeting time.

 

You hold onto every memory you have,

Though you cannot cradle the essence of their being,

You grasp your being tightly, while struggling to keep theirs alive.

 

You embrace the ambiguity of these troubling thoughts,

Soaking in the grayness of a mind that seems to have a mind of her own

 

But am I not part of their being?

Should you not let grief settle in?

 

Why do they say that grief hides in most familiar and unfamiliar places?

Aren’t you supposed to carry on, with grief as your anchor?

Does grief ground you?

 

As always, there are too many questions run in parallel

And yet you ask, why do I camouflage?

 

Yours

Mastering the art of becoming, where solace arrives on a not-so-wintery morning

~Cathartic~

 

So serendipitous but not-so-destined

How do you expect her to feel?

When she learns the boy she loved

With every corner of her soul

Once loved her, too?

 

Not now.

Not still.

 

But he did at some point in his lifetime and in her lifetime.

Conveniently.

Briefly.

Serendipitously.

 

She doesn’t know

Whether the truth breaks her more

Or sets her free

 

And yet somehow 

That almost-love

Feels heavier

Than none at all.

 

Then there is destiny.

Then there is ‘destined’.

Then there is domino effect.

 

What is love, truly?

Why can’t it be simple?

Why can’t it be serendipitous?

Why can’t it be a Hallmark Christmas movie?

Why can’t it be two people sitting together on a bench under the autumn sky?

 

Well, as always, I ask too many questions!

It is. What it is. 

 

Yours

Apparently

On the cusp of turning 40

One must do some damage control

One must learn to blunt the hurt

One must learn to tidy the heart

One must learn to grieve the grief

One must learn to patch the leaking wound

One must sit with oneself

Not as a critic

But as a witness to survival

For this is not the end

This is an ode to new beginnings

Loud thoughts, you say!

 Why is it the way it is?

Why does it hurt the way it does?

Why do I vent the way I do?

Why don’t you fade the way everything does?

Why do I drown my thoughts the way I do?

Why can’t let you go the way I do it for other things?

I ask a lot of questions. I know I do. Very few know I do.

Yours

Numbness of the monkey mind

Holding back

Holding back is a  trait

Holding back is a safety net

We all hold back a lot of things and we spill a lot of things

I don't hold back when I write
You don't hold back when you paint

I don't hold back when I capture photographs
You don't hold back when you sing

I don't hold back on my instincts
You don't hold back when you sting

I do hold back a lot of things
You do hold back your deeper emotions

Isn't holding back is a sign of not letting go?
Or is it just a game of the mind?


Or sometimes things are just plain black and white
Not grey
Not blue
Not even red

Yours
Exhastipated mind of an overthinker's soul 

Why does it still hurt so bad?

 

A single tear runs down your cheek,

A single breath in and out shuts down your emotions

A single song

A single voice

A single baritone melancholic soothing voice of the maestro

A single conversation

A single fragment of your silence

A single syllable of an old song

A single glass of good old red liquid

A single memory of happiness

A single memory of sadness

A single fling of an illusion

A suffocating chest tightness

A reminder of old love.

Yours

Piya basanti re, kahe sataye

Koi fariyaad dil mein dabi hai

 

You are watching a beautiful sunrise,
You are watching a beautiful sunset,
You are at the beach and the setting sun happens to fill your heart with pure joy,

You are travelling to a new destination

You are taking that long morning walk with only your thoughts to listen to

You are watching the rain drops hit the earth

You are relishing the sweet savoury pieces of dark chocolate melt in your mouth

You are indulging on a perfectly made grilled cheese sandwich

You are enjoying the intoxicated smell of hot cinnamon coffee

You are spending quality time with your loved ones

You don’t want these moments to pass

You don’t want the time to fly

You want to linger a little longer

I call it’ the not-yet’ moment.

Happiness is a tricky thing

It isn’t easy, but we can try

For instance, I love writing. I don’t do enough of writing though. Although it calms my mind.

For instance, I love experimenting with my camera. Although it brings me pure happiness. 

For instance, I love reading. Although it inspires me. I don’t do enough of it.

Lately I am not doing enough of these things.

I wonder why we don’t do things that we love and cherish

Happiness isn’t easy but at least we can try

Yours

अभी ना जाओ छोड़कर कर दिल अभी भरा नहीं

Let's cross over then.

Se voi attraversiamo

Then do you achieve 'ataraxia'?



Yours
Wonderings of a exhaustipated mind

Are we blinded by our own emotions?

Is that why we choose to ignore the red flags?

Does that mean the heart wins and the stupid brain looses the battle?


How often do we triumph over a burned bridge??



Only to forgive
Only to forget

Yours
Burning bridges and chopping edges

Gratitude

When you keep loosing pieces of yourself
You keep loosing the warmth that glows inside of you

And then suddenly one day, all that cold stops bothering you!

Thank you 'you'

You taught me good.

Yours 
Gratitude

An open letter to my first love

Dear first love,


I remember you as the reason for my ridiculously happy inner child

I remember you as the reason for my insanely happy heart

I remember you as the reason for my incredible pricking pain

I remember you as the reason for my incessant overthinking



I am not sad that you are someone else's
I am not disappointed that you are happy
I am not jealous that you are content
I am not angry that you are no longer mine



Although I feel a little lost sometimes
Although my eyes well up when I write about you
Although I feel a little empty space cropped up inside of me
Although my heart longs for you in a helpless way
Although I feel a little longing for the not-so-love we shared
Although my mind rationalizes with my heart


After all, some first loves are only first loves!
After all, some heart breaks are only heart breaks!


Well we all wonder what could have been, should have been and would have been!
Then isn't it how the mind copes!
Mine developed  several unhealthy coping mechanisms!



Yours

My first love. ALWAYS.

It took me two years to fall in love with you and 6 even years to fall out of love!


Sometimes reminiscing fills your heart with the lost love that you long for.



Yours

Head and Heart 

When you start writing about what is right in this world

When you stop writing about the pricking pain that haunts you

When you let go of the afterglow and embrace the everglow


You know you are healed.


Yours
Me

Masks.

At the end of the day, she took her mask off and thought to herself:

Can you have a sympathetic mask and empathetic mask on at the same time??

I often ask myself the same questions over and over again

Can you have a lover’s mask and hater’s mask on at the same time??

I often ask myself the same questions over and over again

Can you have an angel’s mask and sinner’s mask on at the same time??

I often ask myself the same questions over and over again

Can you have a saint’s mask and Satan’s mask on at the same time??

I often ask myself the same questions over and over again   

Can you have a giver’s mask and a taker’s mask on at the same time??

I often ask myself the same questions over and over again

Can you have a pain mask and a healing mask on at the same time??

I often ask myself the same questions over and over again

Can you forgive and forget at the same time??

I often ask myself the same questions over and over again

We all wear masks. A different one at different hour of the day.

Yours

I couldn’t help but wonder, which mask was on while writing down these thoughts

Now I know when to stop and where to draw the  line.

I hope this holds good for all the people I meet in my life time.

Yours
Mindfulness emotion

Gift of soulful music

I have had my share of men!
Men who were friends
Men who were close friends
Men whom I was fond of
Men whom I was affectionate about
Men whom I adored
Men whom I admired
Men whom I respected
Men who were in and out and in again from my life
Men who are still in my life
And who are part of my life

You know, what is the common ground that holds me and these men together!
Mind it, they were not all my men in literal sense!
You can have only one, one!
And these men have showed me good music.

The gift of good music will always make you nostalgic.
The gift of good music will always remind you of him
The gift good music will warm your heart
The gift of good music will always make you long for more
The gift of good music will always soak up your soul
The gift of good music will what will stay with you forever
The gift of good music makes me feel closer to these men


Mitwa, reminds me of a dear friend with whom I share a bittersweet and strong bond
Mora saiyaan, reminds me of a funny and joyful good friend
The most irritating songs reminds me of a very dear friend of mine, one of kind and always been there for me even when I did not need him
There's one with whom I don't share any musical musings but he is the strong one, always walking beside you like a shadow... May the lord give him strength and good luck

Bed of roses! Reminds me of him. 
He showed me great music. I still remember his words, you will love this song. And I did and I still do.
He is not mine to love
He is not mine to long for
He showed me the world of Bryan Adams
He showed me the light house
He showed me that I might have done something right
He showed me du hast mich
He showed me don't utter a single word

The passion
The love 
The yearning
The longing

Some tiny part of me still loves you in a broken way


Yours
Bed of roses

Expectations

You cannot not have expectations at all.

In this worldly world of mere possessions and sinful pleasures,

You are not human, if you don’t have expectations

In this saint-like thought process of godly-men women,

You are not human, if you don’t have any desires

In this busy lazy crazy life,

You are not human, if you don’t say the things you are not supposed to

In this grief-stricken hour

You are not human, if you don’t have a breakdown

In this complex sinful life

You are not human, if you are not tempted to do the inevitable

In this cynical naïve life

You not human, if you don’t follow your afterglow

Yours

I wanna lay you down in the bed of roses

Always my favourite

Thanks for showing me the dark side (wink)

Alcohol is a self-righteous bitch and music is  that part of my soul, that still longs for you.
Still in love with you.
Still my broken heart wants you in a strange way
But you can't always fight the fate


Yours
If you don't want me
I must be doing something wrong 

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Troubling nightmares

Dampening my troubled soul

I still search for you in my nightmares

I still long for you

I still hate you

I still have my heart beating for you

I still  am where we parted ways

I still search for the happiness, that is not mine

I still mourn for the lost time

I still do

You are still you!

Yours
Troubles of a sleep deprived mind

Foggy clarity

Somewhere, in one tiny corner

The broken heart still aches

The half-mended heart still longs for you 

The half muttered words still wander my mind

The half-filled memory still surrounds me

The silence of the waves still calls out your name

The half-bended mind still searches for answers, for that are not mine

Why does it still hurt where it should not!

Yours
Relentlessly you are my clarity, which is foggy