Sometimes you need loud music, to numb your thoughts
Sometimes you need louder music, to stop your thoughts
But many a times, the lyrics just hits you at the right spot!!!


Yours
Sometimes its hard to follow your heart
It's okay not to be okay
Tears don't mean you're losing
The more closer it gets, the more miserable it becomes

Time is not a healer!
What they say and what they will always say, is wrong!
Time never stops
Time never skips

But what it does!
It does it very well!

It builds a cobweb
Blurry enough to confuse you
Clear enough to perish you!

Yours
I can't fix the pain that bleeds inside of me

I am blessed with the curse!

Of loving you
Of loving you even more

Of wanting you
Of wanting you even more

Of dreaming about you
Of dreaming about you even more

Your's 
Aaj jaane karo ki zid na karo
Yun hi pehlu mein baithe raho
Haaye mar jayenge hum to loot jayenge

Why do i always have to do  the wrong thing!
The temptation of wanting more always drowns me!

You wrote to me
I wrote to you

You talked to me
I talked to you

And the vicious cycle went on and on and on!

Yet again, when i look back
I still see us smiling and giggling

Sometimes I feel I have made peace with it!!
Sometimes I feel I have not!!
And sometimes I feel I am right there, where I started years ago!

Reflection

Because I reflect
I feel miserable

Because I reflect 
I feel guilty

Because I reflect
I feel betrayed

Because I reflect
I feel hurt

Because I reflect
It complicates my mind

Because I reflect
It wounds my soul

Because I reflect
It breaks my inner goddess

There are people
People who don't reflect

Don't they live their life
Don't they have peace within
Don't they breathe the same air that I do
Don't they absorb the same sunshine that I do

Then why can't I stop this
Then why can't I put an end to the end
Then why can't I make it go

What if I deflect
But don't I already do that
Everyone does that, right

Does reflecting on oneself, makes you a better person?
Does reflecting on oneself, makes you a tolerant person?
Does reflecting on oneself, makes you a lot more confused
Does reflecting on oneself, makes you a lot more worse

Is it good or bad?
Is it bad or good?
Is it white or black?
Is it black or white?
Is it gold or silver?
Is it silver or gold?

I often ask myself the same questions, once and once again.
What if I deflect?
What if I reflect?
What if?

But then don't we know that reflecting and deflecting are two sides of a coin.

Your's
Kills me to let you inside
Feels the wrong kinda right
But in the back of my mind
You know you're all I am thinking of!!

The art, craft and the key to happiness!

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions".- The Dalai Lama

Yes and it is true. 
The degree of our happiness is always based on comparisons.
I have, he doesn't have!
I own, she doesn't own!
I am successful and you are not!
I am a king and you are a loser!

Comparisons- are what make us happy. It's not a sin that you feel this way. I am human and your are human too! It's what our tendency is! But ever wondered how the world will be if we only compare it with our past! And by past I meant, the time before the happiness. Not afterlife or before life!
The time when you used to earn a miniature amount and now you earn a lump some. When you compare both of them- you become happy. The same principle holds good for everything in life. The time you had a good life and the time you have a better life.
The time you were just somebody and the time you are someone special.
The time when you were a employee and the time you are the employer.

Life imparts happiness in strange ways!

When you compare your happiness with another individual
When you compare your success with a nobody
When you compare your achievements with a loser

It makes you even more happier.

Ten years from now, you and I will earn a lump some.
Ten years back it was negligible.
In the first few days of being employed- each time you get a salary- you get a kick out of it.
It brings you happiness. But with time you get used to that money and you again aim for a bigger amount. The point is we get used to things very easily.
Things that makes me happy now- will no longer make me happy
The state of mind is always a key to happiness. 
You can be happier in sad times also. 

" Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it." - The Dalai Lama

But we are humans and it is by the law of nature we always want more. They say if you stop complaining you start living you life and then you will be happy eventually but you won't grow in life.

I couldn't help but wonder which is more important- happiness or success

We get used to people even more easily-is that good or bad?
But if we get used to people so much- is it why we take them for granted? Is it why they say there is no love left in a relationship?
Does that mean there is no compassion left?

I wonder! I wonder a lot and about lots of things.
Is getting used to people-is why we loose them?
Often i sit, relax and ask myself a simple question- am I happy enough?

What is happiness?

When I drink a cup of coffee- that makes me happy
When I read a good book- that makes me happy
When I talk to a friend-that makes me happy
When I take a good picture-that makes me happy
When I travel to a new place-that makes me happy
When I have a piece f chocolate- that makes me happy

Happiness is so simple. then why is it difficult to be happy?

When you speak of a calm sense of mind or peace of mind- that doesn't include a insensitive or apathetic state of mind
Not letting anything affect you- doesn't make you happy
Not letting anything penetrate you- doesn't give you peace

Peace of mind comes out of love and compassion. As the Dalai Lama says" Love and compassion are not luxuries- they are necessities"

You cannot be happy without being dragged to it! 

Then there are things that we don't understand!
There are things we don't find an answer for!

When we don't find answers, we blame it on science. We search for the scientific facts and once we find it. We are content. We have answers. 

"Science is the best answer"- The Dalai Lama

There is always a key to the key hole and there is always a reason to happiness.

Find yours.

And I will find mine.

Your's
Finding happiness

Is it a crime to guard you soul against evil?
Is it an offensive crime to hide your soul from the dead?
Is it unbearable to watch someone live?

Is it grief?
Is it agony?
Is it unsatisfying?

I know i ask quite a lot of questions. But somehow and somewhere this part of me has to survive! Otherwise i will perish.

But then that's who I am! Sometimes when i just look back, i have this faint vision of a person i was once. But time- my friend, changes you forever-whether you are willing to or not.

We are as fucked up as you!!

Yours
Kyun dard chupaaye baithi hai
Kyun tu mujhse se kehti hai
Maan! Maiin to khud hi bikhri hui

It all starts with something!

The conversation always starts with" We will become mad someday, if we continue like this"

And I always correct her, re framing the words I always say" We are already".

Like i always say, it is not always about you!
You have been living here, deep down in my subconsciousness and in my writings.
Yes you get me all chocked up! But today is not about you!

Yeah! As I was saying, "we" discuss. We talk. We bitch. We share. We cry. We support each other. We laugh. We smile. We salute. We do what we are good at. We do what we are bad at.

But there are somethings you never discuss
But there are failures you don't discuss
But there are secrets you never spill
But there are stories you never tell
But there is agony you never express
But there are regrets you never show
But there is pain you hide it

You hide, because you don't want the pity
You hide, because you don't want the sympathy
You hide, because you don't want empathy
You hide, because you don't want to breakdown again
You hide, because you don't want to drag them into your sea

Yeah Your sea! Yeah I have my own sea! Everyone has one!
It is where you hide the deepest thoughts!
The thoughts that bother you! The thoughts that compel you!
The ideas that hang you! The ideas that disgust  you!

The long you hide, the more you suppress and the more you resent it, it sits deep inside you. That's what we call "pain". 
Pain, what the books define is an unpleasant sensation triggered by any stimuli. Yeah of course, we suffer often. We suffer because, we let it pass through. We suffer because, we get it into us.

I quote" Some say the world will end in fire,
              Some say the world will end in ice.
              For what I've tasted of desire
              I hold with those who favor fire.
              But if it had to perish twice,
              I think I know enough of hate
              To say that for destruction ice
              Is also great
              And would suffice.

My favorite lines by "Robert Frost".

And some how it fits also. Anyways cold never bothered me and fire always smothered me.
Let's get into your shoes!
Pain! Can be a physical condition, can be an emotional condition or it can be mental also.
As long as you acknowledge it, who cares!
And I don't know how many of you are aware of a "psychogenic pain". yeah it exists. 
I have suffered, i have seen people suffering from it and i will see in future.
It is something you can't kill.
It is something you can't get over.
It is there. It bothers you. 

Psychogenic pain, is a type of physical pain that either arises, prolongs or increases with increase in your intensity of emotional disturbances. What are the common types- headache.
And Headache- i feel may be the cerebral blood vessels are not well made, to handle that much stress, that many thoughts. They simply explode! And give you the best ever headaches you ever had, making your day! as studies say, it can occur due to social rejection, love sickness, grief, loss, any emotional vacuum.
And of course the other common forms are-backache and stomach ache.

Even my yoga teacher says, the more you hide it, the worse it gets. You need a vent. A vent for all your disappointments. But then again venting out is always not a good idea. 
But you are sensible enough to sense the right things. So do it, but do it nicely!

Do it for you!
Like I do it for me! But in my case, i shut down the system!

Your's 
Someone told me, he could hear happiness
Someone told me, he could sense the silence
Is the pain making me numb
Is the pain blinding my perceptions
or Am I just wrong?
or Am I doing the only thing that is wrong!

The messed up heart, the entangled soul and the fabricating mind

The very thought of letting you go nearly killed me!
The very thought of you letting me go completely killed me!

I have heard the heart race fast before
But not this fast

I was not scared, ever
I never knew what fear was
But i was yesterday
I was afraid, afraid of the dark
I sensed the fear grilling me
I could hear my own heart thumping loud

This fear, that i speak of now
This fear has been holding me hostage since long
What a fool i was to think that i had overcome it
What a fool i was to think that i had conquered it
Neither it had rested
Nor it had taken the backseat
It was right there, staring at me

I chose to ignore
I chose to acknowledge 
I chose to shut it down

But i chose what i had to

I fabricated my own thoughts
Forcing my bullied mind to believe 
Believe what was fabricated
Believe that it had gone, gone away

But gone where
I always wonder, god knows i do
But do you wonder? Ever? 
Are you as straight as it looks like?
Or are you as twisted as it never looks like?
Am I a fool?
Am I the only one hallucinating
Is it what it looks like
Like the very same moment
Like the very deep memories i never thought i possessed

But then it all makes sense somehow

Will I ever get over it?
Will I ever move on?
Will I ever forget?
Will I ever stop drenching my heart?
Will I ever dry up?
Or have i already?

Yes you were right
Nothing has changed
I haven't changed
I am right there, where i left you
Still I breathe
Still I think of you
Still my heart beats for you
Still I smile when someone mentions you
Still I cry when someone mentions you
Still I love you
Still I do

Time never heals! But what it does is- creating a cobweb around the memories 
So when you think about it- it is foggy
But as soon as you clear up the mess- it is crystal clear


Your's
The messed up heart, the entangled soul and the fabricating mind

Vulnerability index!

Which is more vulnerable?- the failing heart or the falling heart!
Either way you die!
Which would you prefer?
Would you like the death of your soul?
Or your physical body?
Would you choose a simpler path and die?
Or would you walk the unseen path?

Love is neither for the weakest, nor it is for the strongest!
Either way it makes you and breaks you!

Your's

Main bhi oopar se has-ti par andar se haaye

Kyun dard chupaaye baithi hai  

How flexible are you?

We often say that, we learn from our mistakes. But have ever wondered how far it is relevant?
Just this morning a twisted thought crossed my mind.
How often do we change ourselves?
Not change, at least try or make an attempt to do one? I don't know how often i do. 
But i definitely like to believe that i have changed a lot than the older self to a new annoying one.
But like they say, the old ones know you better than yourself. 
An old friend tells me i haven't changed a bit. And speaking of old friends and new ones, I have come to a point where I can say i have known that person forever.

And coming back to committing mistakes and learning from them has always been a blur. 

Sometimes i feel it is my mistake
Sometimes i felt it was my mistake

Sometimes i feel it is who i am
Sometimes i felt it was what i am made of

Sometimes i feel may be i function only in a certain way
Sometimes i felt my flexibility to adapt is, minimal

And sometimes when i can't find an answer
I believe may be the person is like that and i had to or have to behave the way i had to or have to

Ehhh! You seem a little confused right know!
That's because you are holding on to something!

I don't know whether i have learnt from my mistakes but in the process i have learnt to let go of things that is not mine!

And for that matter, why harbor something, that doesn't even need one!!!

It's not true that we always learn form our mistakes and try to avoid doing the same again. 
Not everything we say or hear is true. 
How you perceive things and how i perceive things are totally different. 
That doesn't make you a saint and me a bitch. That doesn't make you a dog and me an angel.



Your's
I can't be, what i am not!

And in the end they call her a damaged good!

Every other human being in the planet is prone to damage....Who isn't? After all we live in this not-so-perfect world, where you have to pay a price for your own deed.

But then who is afraid of what comes in or who isn't?
But then who is fearless of what goes in or who isn't?

How do you classify someone damaged or for that matter irreparable??
Do  you do that a lot??
But then isn't that true that; at least some point of time you too are damaged!
Is there even a degree to measure the damage done?
What damages your mind?
What damages your body?
What damages your soul?

Damage to the mind, well that is not clearly anatomical!
Damage to the body, well that is clearly physical!
Damage to the soul, well that is not clearly superficial!

Physical damage, we all know what it can do the victim! It can clearly burn your entwined soul! Some are brave enough to counterbalance the imbalance and some are overshadowed by the trauma. It is not something everyone can deal with every now and then. Some go on with their life and some end their life. May god bless their soul.

Some say i write about things that are not mine
Some say i write about the yearning
Some say i write about things that are too personal
Some say i write about the excruciating pain

And today i have this one question- Am i addicted to the pain?
                                                   Am i addicted to the misery?
                                                   Am i loosing myself?

I don't know how and why, but somehow it  unclog my numbing system....
And yet again i lost my trail of thoughts.....Why do you have to keep coming back!!!!

It's always who you are and who you become!
Sometimes i get worried that i am turning into that cold insensitive person that i have always been afraid of!
Sometimes i just dismiss the thought! But then that's what we all do!!! If you can't beat them, join them!
Similarly if you can't stop thinking, then make it even more complicated for the mind; to register the exact emotion.
Or else we just ignore those cramping thoughts!!

I used to know a man
I used to know a friend
I used to know a philosopher
And i assumed that i knew him just enough!
But then what is just enough?

Why is it that everytime they call her damaged?
Why is it that everytime they look at her with hatred
Why is it that everytime she crosses the path, they curse her
Why is it that everytime she looks up, they close their eyes
Why is it that everytime she tries to whisper, they blow it up
Why is it that everytime she loves, they shut her down
 You will never have the answers, neither will i have!

Your's
What is that, that is just enough
What is that, that is just adequate
What is that, that is not appropriate
What is that, that is not comforting

Why are we judgmental?

I often get confused while judging your character. Then i think why take the pain of judging you, let me drop this case and move on. But then moving on, as i always say is never easy. It just withers with time and puts a rest to my ever restless mind. That's all it does!

But don't we judge people every now and then. I think i do.Though i give it a million thoughts the very next moment but i judge, i get judged too. I get judged every now and then. I think it's a part of our human nature. Though it's really amazing if you don't judge at the very first sight. And some might not even call it a judgement, just an opinion might do the trick! :)

Alrightiee then! The real challenge is i will write a piece today. And i will write it alone, without you!

Yeah so.... not deviating from the topic, as i was saying- we judge! And we do that very often! Ever wondered why we do this??
Naah you wouldn't have! Cause that's my job! I always wonder and wander! Speaking of which, i might elope somewhere someday and mark my words! Just alone! I think i can buy me some "me time". Isn't that my "haq"?? 

Deviating for the soul topic, i think it has become my trait. Nevermind!! Getting back to the topic. 

Sometimes i feel, we judge because our brain can't stop thinking for one second. But if it stops, then al together that's a different scenario. Let's skip that part. 
Yeah so...Normally with every action potential, generates a new thought which makes it a million thoughts running through the mind at the same time! Some might be just an illusion and some might be delusional. But it always depends on you what you pick! Isn't it always this way! And well as a part of the genetic makeup, we get lured by the Satan and we tend to pick the wrong set of illusions! And if you look at it at a broader scale everything is first an illusion. You are the one who gives it a shape, who chooses it to be how it should be! Rather i would say, you choose everything. 

You choose everything
You choose your actions
You chooses your words
You choose your fate
You choose yours thoughts
You choose your judgments
You choose your deeds
You choose your disappointments
You choose your misdeeds
You choose your luck
You choose dare
You choose the truth

Not entirely true and factual but then everything has a reason if you dare to look for one! But then do you dare? 

Getting judged by people was once a biggest fear! Has been that way for quite some time. But then a time comes when even the strangest person in the whole wide world knows you better  than the person standing next to you! There comes a time when you realize that nothing matters after all. As long as you are able to hold your sanity in one place it doesn't matter at all, but the moment you loose it, you seem to fear what the world will think of you. But trust me, if you can, letting go of things are never easy and you can never let go of things, you learn to adapt. And once you know that it no longer bothers you, you are happy! 

I have seen people, for that matter quite a lot. 

Some say they know me well enough to even understand my unspoken words but are deaf enough to hear what i have to say.
Some say they can sense my despair, my agony and my pain.
Some say they can hear my happiness.
Some say they choose to ignore everything that concerns me.
Some say they are part of me, but i feel that part falling apart.
Some say they are my song, but i never sing that song.
Some say they are my lyrics, but i never scribble them.

People said, People say and they will continue to say so many things they never meant, and why does it bother me every time they say something do surreal?

The point is you judge and you get judged, and it will continue to be so. What matters is the quality or pattern of thinking that you construct later. 

Stop right there before your ruin it. Give it a thought even if you are afraid to do so. 

Your's
And i thought too much sanity will take me everywhere
And i thought too much insanity will make me sane

It looked as if she had seen the same ghost again. It kept coming back to her. As if never leaving alone was the only motto the ghost had in its mind. 

I don't know what to say
I don't know what not to say

I can't make the pain go away
I can't make the pain stay longer

I don't wanna sing the same song again
I don't wanna sing another song the same day

I want to cleanse my soul
I want to clear my memory
I want to stop my breathe
I want to kill all my emotions, but haven't I?

Not even a silent yes, not even a louder no

The pain is incandescent. Sometimes i just want to dig in as many hole it takes to make a big hollow cylinder so that whatever goes in, comes out clean! But i guess i don't have any filter. Whatever goes in, gets stuck for quite sometime. What amazes me is whether it gets stuck deliberately or i suffocate it to death inside me?
But the if it stays, then for how long?

By the way how long is forever??

Sometimes i wish i could make the pain go away by bursting the bubble
And sometimes i wish i could suck out the pain out my life through a needle!

And you say i don't have any wish! 

You never leave me!
You never leave me alone!

I think about you when am awake!
I think about you in the shower!
I think about you when am physically somewhere else!
I think about you in my trans state!
I think about you when am driving, probably that's the reason why i get lost!
I think about you when am alone, but am i alone, probably that's why am so self-involved!
I think about you when am asleep!
I think about a lot and probably that's why it is so exhausting!

You know what i think  i should take a break from myself!! Well is that even possible??

When i become tired of you, i rest my ever restless mind
But i guess that is formidable ever since i met you
And i end up dreaming about you!
And i end of loving you even more!

I know love is not enough, but how much is enough?

I have to let go 
I have to close the lid once again
I have to shut down
I have to zip up once again

And you have nothing to say!
Not even a silent yes!
Not even a louder no!

And here i am, again!! Stuck in the same neurotic place as ever! 

Loving you in my head is easier than loving you in person!
And what an irony! It's even easier for you!

It's always difficult to make peace within 
It's always difficult to fight with the inner voice

But it's much more than that!
Fighting with the urge 
Fighting with the wish
Fighting with the impulse
Fighting with the intuition
Fighting with the call

Because in the end you know these small little things make you happier!

Your's
I wanna wrap you up
I wanna kiss your lips
I wanna call you mine
I wanna hold your hand- "Wanted"

And i made a fool out of me!

Meri ek tamanna thi

Tamannao ka gala ghotna asaan nahi hai
Tamannao ka gala ghotna muskil bhi nahi

Ek baar jo dafna diya to, use jagana namumkin hai
Ek baar jo apne se alag kar diya, use gale se lagana mere usoolon ke khilaf hai

Aisa fir se hoga, socha na tha
Aisa fir se hoga, socha na tha

Aur mera tazuurba yeh kehta hai
Tu chale chal apni raah pe
Tu chale chal apni raah pe

Kya pata kal  usi tammanna se fir roobaroo ho jaye tu!!


Your's
Maiin juda tumse!!
Ab tumhi se hai nibhana!!

A little me, a lot you!

This is not the way I wanted things for me
I hope someday I will understand!!

When I know there is negativity in this whole wide world, why do I search for positivity!
When I know the yearning grows stronger, why can't I shut the emotional box down!
When I know the answers, why do I search for questions!
When I know I can't walk the same path, why do I follow you!!

Your's
I can't find a way out!

As always and as usual!

Everything looks so surreal to me!

Your fake laugh
Your fake concern
You desire to fulfill my every wish
You make me materialistic
You lure me to the unknown

But there are these small little things that still have the guts to make the inner goddess happy and content!
That cute excitement on your face
That eagerness to unveil the surprise
That unconditional love
That hint of happiness

It all pulls back that old self from the dump yard!

But then when that old self looks back at the journey she had been on, she is still on and she will be on, it all looks justified to dump the old self!!
They say that whatever you suffer or whatever you gain is your karma!
They also day that do good and spread the good word, you will be taken back to the heaven!
 I don't know whether you are looking up on me!
I don't know whether you are watching over!
I don't know whether you are guiding me!
I don't know whether you are making me a better person!
I don't know whether am going down to the lower realms or am rising up to upper realm!
I don't have clue about almost everything!
And those which i have an idea about, is on a killing spree!
For just once, i want to actually laugh without making an conscious effort!
For just once, i want to sincerely spent some worry free time!
For just once i want to feel that old friendship! A lot has changed! Some i altered and some just got misplaced!
Every time i laugh! I think it has all gone! Naah! Seems like it never wants to leave me alone!
But then the question is , am i ready??
Am i ready to let go of something so stinging
Am i ready to let go of something so beautiful

There is one question now!
Is it or was it so difficult to give no for an answer?
Is it or was it so unfair to give yes for an answer?

And as always and as usual!
I choose the wrong person! 
I ask the wrong questions!
I look for the wrong set of answers!


There is one more question!
For once in many years, it was that festive atmosphere in the old city.
People rushed in and rushed out of the temples! 
For once, the air infected me!
For once, the infection caught me!
But for once when i just thought there is a god!

But nothing can breach the wall!
I don't know there is a god or not!
I definitely know that whatever i have to do is what i actually want in life!

Your's 
Nobody said you have limited questions per life time
Nobody said you have limited answers per questions
If i don't look for answers, the questions will drown me
If i don't find the right answers, the innumerable questions will take me down to hell

The idea of god!

Today am gonna write about something, that is completely alien to me and you as well. What is your idea of a god? 

I won't say the idea or the concept is completely mine.... Past few days have been unbearable..Somewhere in between all this when i searched for solace, i found a book that somehow rests my ever restless soul..."There is no god" by Khuswant Singh....This was my first book by the open minded and powerful writer..And i loved it...He somehow makes a lot of sense...

Somehow and somewhere deep within i always wonder, if there is a god, is he blind to humanly sufferings? Why does he have to....i don't know whether he exists or not...

And as obviously I can't wait for you forever.I will have to find a way... i will have to search my own set of answers!

If you ask me...Few months back i believed in a god who exists...and like a fool I was blind enough to see the crystal clear truth.... I don't know even now whether he exists or not...But i know his existence somehow boosts morality....Somehow i can see the hope floating above me....

Yeah it's definitely an idea...there is no god.....it's a belief that we have nurtured for years..... Whether or not we have seen him, we know he exists in some form.....

Having said that there is no god, i accept that it's just my perception.... It's like an unexpressed emotion....you feel it but you don't have the guts to deny it or accept it...you know there is no god, it's just an idea of having one supreme force that is above all....Above all humanity..Above you and above me....Something that eventually sets the stage in an imperfect perfection....

Am not an agnostic...i guess something inside me has died long ago to even register the idea of it.....

There have been instances when i find myself chanting those mantras just as a part of my daily routine...I no longer feel the power, i no longer feel the strength.. 

This doesn't mean i have stopped worshiping...I do and i will continue to do so... 

I was once a person who  abstained from food for a day or so for the sake of my strong belief....I was once a person who visited temples to seek the blessings...I continue to do the same and i will... But i only have one question now- why me? why not me?

Many of you will not agree with me and i don't want you to also....It's my perception and like i always say...Perception is what i feel, it's not an obligation...

You agree or disagree with what ever you believe.

Your perception no longer holds a place

Your ideas no longer feed my ego

Ego! Sometimes i think i have one and sometimes i don't!

Sorry! Sometimes i am sorry for everything and sometimes i am not!

Pity! Sometimes i pity myself and sometimes i pity you!

There is no god

He's an idea of hope

He's a replica of you

He's a blinded copy of faith

He's a shadow of believe

He's a bundle of joy

He's a heap of pain

He's a ray of courage

He's a source of superstition

He's a way to escape

He’s a savior

I haven't completely accepted the fact that he doesn't exist...because some part of me still prays for you..cries for you....begs for you...dies for you....yearns for you...lingers for you....

And like i say, i am not the same but i am who i am!!!

Your's

Seek me!

She is not who she was!

When she talks non stop
It's not always that she complains
It's not always that she argues
She just wants to be heard

When she pours her blue heart out
It's not always that she weeps
It's not always that she griefs
She just wants to feel a little lighter

When she is silent
It's not always that she wants you to understand her silence
It's not always that she wants to you go away
She just needs some moments of peace

When she is away
It's not always that she runs away
It's not always that she hides away
She just wants to regain the old self

And you!
You get it all wrong!
You always look for a point, when there is none!
You always search for the not so hidden words!
You always do that!


Yours
Why do i always ask the wrong questions?
Answer is right there.
I have been blind enough to skip that!

And all i need is you

Sometimes all i need is you
Sometimes all i need is a friend
Sometimes all i need is a listener
Sometimes all i need is a confider
Sometimes all i need is a silent company
Sometimes all i need is a little extra love
Sometimes all i need is a lot more peace

Sometimes all i need is you
Sometimes all i need is you

Sometimes all i don't need is a well wisher
Sometimes all i don't need is another nag
Sometimes all i don't need is one more excuse
Sometimes all i don't need is a favor
Sometimes all i don't need is another wrong reason
Sometimes all i don't need is another lie

Sometimes all i don't need is you
Sometimes all i don't need is you

Your's
Be my friend, i will be your friend
Be my well wisher and i will cut you off

I miss my free soul

There i was gazing at the ceiling, early in the morning. What caught my fancy was a small shadow. Shadows as they call it, but have you ever wondered what a shadow is?
Have you ever wondered whether you have a shadow or not?
Well there are hell lot of things to wonder about, but do you wonder or do you actually wander??

When i looked into that small shadow, it was not the shadow that caught my fancy, it was the reflection of the shadow that made me gaze at it even harder. I saw the reflection grow gradually and then shrink back to its original self. Shrinking back to the original self, is that possible? When you start growing in a relationship, you start falling and you start loving and treasuring every bit of it. In that case, is it even possible to shrink back  to the previous unhatched state? No it's not. At least i think it this way. Because when you grow, you are too naive to even realize it.  That's when you go with the flow not along the flow. But then going with the flow and going along the flow, how different are they?
When you have to step out of the way, that is when you actually understand the difference between them. Before that, it's all a fairy tale. Fairy tales look  pretty in books not in real life :P Then it all becomes a tale. A tale of life, that lightens away with each passing year.

But don't they usually say shadows are always the darker side and reflections are the whiter or brighter side of every free soul? Free soul. It makes me smile and at the same time it brings a teardrop. When you soul is free, you are happy. The moment it is held hostage, the very same moment you are excited. But few moments later it brings you that crashing, self destructive pain that kills you from within. That very moment you wish you never had a soul. I read it or i heard it but somewhere and somehow, they say you are allotted a few teardrops per person? Is there even a person, let's say for anything that jolts you. That shakes you. That breaks you. But somehow and anyhow, i don't know how and why i feel that is not entirely true. Sometimes i don't understand whether it's the person or the relationship or the sense of an ending that dampens me?

But then wondering is what  i am good at.....I do it because it rests my ever restless mind! I do it because it is therapeutic...And who says no to free therapy ;)


Your's
Maiin tumhari parchaayi hun
Mujhe mujhse juda na karo!
Ho sake to mujhe apne aks mein sama lo!

Best thing i never had

Well the song, it's copied and modified!

The original one is sung so beautifully that it inspired me to make one....


You have been gone for not so long now
Chasing everything that's real
I've not forgotten how i got here, it was hell of a ride
Though i have not forgotten you

I was just a girl but i opened my red heart
And you were all that i could see
You came close enough to know my heart even beats
Still not close enough for me

Through the good times and the bad
You are the best i never had
The only chance i wish i get
To ask you, was it true? was it even there?

There was no writing on the wall
No schedule to follow
No precautions to take
I know now and i just can't forget 
You are the best i will never have

In this loneliness
Well pass midnight
When i am bluer than a bruise
You came drifting in through the bright moonlight
In your gorgeous white shirt
That's the sound of your laugh

And i hope this song i'am writing
Someday finds you
My letter to you

Through the good times and the bad
You are the best i never had
The only chance i wish i have to take
To ask if you ever loved me

And there is no one to stop me
No caution to take
No signs to follow
You are the best i never had

You have been gone for not so long now
Chasing everything that's real
I've not forgotten how i got here, it was hell of a ride
Though i have not forgotten you

Your's
Mad
Inspired
Crazy
Burned soul

Ahhh! There's always a sign!

The epic ring goes missing! 
Some unknown person smiles at me! And not just some plastic smile! A big bright smile!
Cat crosses my path but am delivered in one piece!
I dream of you!
I dream about big mountains and beautiful blue green water sea water all around!
And what is unusual! I am unusually happy!
That dampening of my soul is not there!

So as always and as usual i was just wondering whether is this a sign??

A sign! Ha ha ha ha! Does that even exist!

The ring goes meaning! The first thought that hits me is wow am free now! Free of the guilt, free of the bondage and free of the superstition! 

Some unknown person smiles at me! The second thought that hits me, wooaaaa! I know her??
But somehow, when people smile at you, it activates that imaginary "happy center" in the mid brain! 
Now you must be wondering, how can a person be so happy for such trifle things! But my dear! when the happy center is suppressed and depressed by a drug called you, even small trifle things makes her day! What an irony! You used make her day and you used to make her night! Never mind! She will find "you" again! (pun intended)

You amaze me sometimes
What are you made of!
You are ready to die for me
You are ready to kill me for me
You are ready to grow old with me
You are ready to burn with me
You are ready to breach the wall
You are ready to jump the boundary!
But you are not ready to accept a simple truth!
But you are not ready to run away!
But you are not ready hold it back!

Sometimes i just wonder, are these my mere perceptions! Did i ever know you enough to anticipate the truth? Whatever i presumed, was it even there??

And they say, there's always a sign! Sign! han! How do you define it? Errr... Something that gives or provides some vague idea about what is going to happen? mmmhmmmm! For that matter, the same is true for that factual fact that life has a lots in it's retail store for us! But then why do we end up saying or consoling... i think that is more appropriate! Yeah why do we end up consoling our existence that "you are the best thing i never had"....I wish i would have known it from before! But then isn't that karma??? Of course it is! We don't know what is going to happen next! Neither or nor i wanna know what's next! I want my life to unfold it's mysteries even further! I just want to see, how far and how bad will i be able to sustain "the burn"... And as always...what doesn't kill you, makes you even more stronger! Unsolved mystery like life creates a restlessness inside you! Why you are still alive? This particular restlessness keeps you going and keeps you on the bar ;) I hope you know what i mean!

Look there was a sign! 
Look deep and further!
Look into the wild!
Look into the wilderness!
Follow your instincts!
Follow your intuitions!
Follow your shadow!
Follow your heart! 

I don't know whether there's always a sign or we make it up! 
I don't know whether there's always a caution or we follow it up!
I don't know whether  there's always a yes or we make it up!
I don't know whether am always this kind or i just follow my madness!


Your's 
If you find a sign, take me along
If you don't find a sign, leave me alone!

The surprise element!

The other day me and my good friend got to chit chat over something that every other person in the world wants- life full of surprises
And to be very precise- surprises!

Surprises can be good 
Surprises can be bad
Surprises can be bold
Surprises can be weak
Surprises can be hot
Surprises can be cold

It can be anything and everything! 

But have you ever wondered what surprises you?
Is it me?
Is it the inside me?

Naah, you wouldn't wonder! Because you wander! You don't wonder!
Or may be the "you" inside me wonders too much!

Talking of surprises, have you ever wondered why some people surprise you?
I am not talking about the surprises that you plan for someone you love! Naah it's not that! It's way ahead! 
Sometimes and somehow, the way people react for that matter! The way they do, leaves you baffled! There you go! Surprised! Not yet! Brace yourselves, a lot more to come!

You don't how they function
You don't know how they stop
You don't know how they shut down
All you know is how you malfunction
All you know is how you start
All you know is how you open up

Let's be optimistic. Let's say, they have a surprise element in them, then it's hell of a ride! You will rediscover them every single day and probably if you are bold enough to love them to death, you will never get saturated with their love! But wait a minute, does this concept of "having a surprise element" - makes you unpredictable?? Naaah that's altogether a very different school of thought! 
But partly i too will agree that, people with that surprise element, are very unpredictable! But then it all comes to one thing" you are the way you are" and "i am the way i am". 

But there is this one thing that never leaves me, rather a thought! You surprise people, is it because you are incapable of sharing your inner soul with others? Is that the reason for your insanity? But then for that matter, haven't you tried showing your wild side to the outside world?
Haven't you exposed your inner side a little? A little? (pun intended)
How does that make you feel?
Unprotected, hurt and very very fragile??
What my point is, may be you are incapable of or afraid of getting yourself killed again.
That's probably the reason you are the way you are!

But then who doesn't want surprises..... To be very particular the good ones :) At least i know i crave for it... Bad surprises!!!! Are not surprises! They are shockers an trust me nobody wants them! 
And i am not surprised, how you reacted!!! Surprises!! Voooolaaa!

Night after night,
You loved me back  to life
From the coma
The wait is over - Celine Dion


Yours
I want somebody, who will love me to death
I want somebody, who will rediscover me until my last breath
I want somebody, who will lay beside me every night under the starlit sky

I want that somebody to be you!

Running into the wild!

I couldn't help but wonder, why do we travel so much; or a little? Now you must be wandering, what has travelling to do with this particular blog but then let me tell you, inside every soul resides a wanderer!

And that's why i always say, i wonder and i wander!
I wander and i wonder!

Travelling alone or with an awesome company is very very consuming! As a matter of fact i have tasted enough of both to actually reconcile. 
Now i would very much like to bestow few words of wisdom upon you ;)
1. When you are young, young enough to act recklessly, travel in a group! Always!
2. When are not too young to act recklessly, travel solo! 

But then of course when you have an interesting companion, never give it up! Travel! Travel across the world! But then that's not the story! Is it? Yeah and no it is always and not always about you!

I was supposed to write about a solo traveler and ended up with you! Never mind!

Yeah, lately i have discovered the passion for travelling alone to an unknown destination! It gives that much desired, much deserved and much required peace of mind for that particular time!  But the trait, i don't whether it is genetic or x-linked or an adrenaline rush or it's just that i get to click as many = photographs i want! It just makes me happy and trust me, making yourself happy is a great charity! Happiness is a feeling you can't achieve! You have to earn it! 
Making yourself happy! Sometimes it becomes so easy and sometimes it is very difficult!
And trust me, there comes a phase in life when no one can make you happy! Every one ends up hurting you! But!!!! Don't we know that, at some point of time some or the other person hurts us! And we too do the same! If you are clever enough you will know what to do!!!!
So point is! Make yourself happy as long as you can!

When you want to take this plunge into wilderness, plan well! Use the brilliant Google maps and of course Google the place properly! Find out everything you need and you don't need about the place. And please choose a tourist friendly destination. And rest i want you to figure out for yourself!

Good luck and have fun!
Search for your "you"!
Meanwhile i will search for mine!!! (wink)


Your's
And how foolish was i, to assume that the search of my "you" has ended!
And how clever i am, to accept that the search of my "you" will never end!
"You" are not a character! "You" are my perception!

The wall

I couldn't help but wonder, why do people change?
Do they actually change or is it just that, their perception changes?
Has time made them tough?
But don't we know that time heals the wounded?
Like i always say, if you want, if you desire and only then you can be healed!
It's not time
It's not a person, that will heal you!
But then that's an old frame of thought!

Change is inevitable
Changing is vulnerable

Somewhere i have read, when you are passionate person, you tend to overreact...
Then does that make each one of us.... err a small correction.... the one's who tend to overreact are actually passionate?
For that matter does that make me a passionate person? 
But then that makes me look back on my own set of reactions/decisions. Were my thoughts or are my thought irrational? 
Irrationality exists, only if there is some strong logic to it!
Rationality vaporizes faster than the lucid water!
If you are trying to escape from rationality, then should you be fed to misunderstandings?
There are a pile of questions, that i am not going to find answers for
But does that mean i am asking all the wrong questions?
Does that mean i am trading my thoughts for a complete vacuum?
My thoughts are not like logic!!!
But there is one question that i want to ask....

How do you decide whether a person is rational or irrational?
How do you know whether to stick to rationality all the time or not?
How do you crush your intuitions or instincts?
How do you do what you are good at?
How do you know whether you are/ you have changed for good/bad?

How do you know such things!
You don't know!
Neither do i!

Conflicts between the brain, mind, body and the soul is  an integral part of who we are today! 
Because there is a conflict, you are able to take the right decision...
Because there is a conflict, you are surviving
Because there is conflict, you are able to breathe
Because there is a conflict, you are alive
Because there is a conflict, you are able to control your sanity
Because there is a conflict, you are invincible

Sometimes changes, conflicts builds an imaginary but at the same time a very lucid wall inside!
You think you are as transparent as  the light
You think you are as dark as the shadow
But you become as opaque as the mirror!
Talking of mirrors, it always reflects what you want to see!
And they say, you are my mirror! How does that even make sense?

Yeah definitely i have regained back my own self, cause i am deviating from the topic! :D

Yeah "The wall"!
It's not something you  see
It's something you feel

And i have no clue whether it can be breached again! 

Your's
"The Wall"

After a cyclone, comes a calm phase
Everything becomes still
Every minute sound mutes itself
You start living with the silence, thinking that will ease the suffering

But as you to start to live with it
You realize silence never gives back the sound it had taken once taken back from you!

Silence stings you even more
Silence bites you even more
Silence does not heal your soul

Realization becomes the turning point
You start overdoing what you are doing, thinking it will lessen the stagnancy 

But as you stop living with silence
You realize there is never a normal phase

And you are wrong if you think you can overcome everything with your unleashed enthusiasm!

Your's
It wasn't logic!
It was definitely more than that!

Zahir si baat hai!

Zahir si baat hai
Ab in lamhon ki aadat si hone lagi hai

Zahir si baat hai
Ab in aasuon ki laat si lag gayi hai

Zahir si baat hai 
Maiin kahin ghum si ho gayi hun

Zahir si baat hai
Maiin kahin kho si gayi hun

Zahir si baat hai
Ab kahin chup jane ka maan karta hai

Zahir si baat hai
Ab apni shakhsiyaat pe mujhe shaq sa hone laga hai

Zahir si baat hai
Zahir karna bhi gawara nahi apko

Zahir si baat hai
Do labz bi bayan karna bhata nahi apko

Zahir si baat hai
Ki zahir karte karte, yeh bhul gayi
Maiin sirf zahir kar sakti hun
Zahir karna mera ek zariya hai
Mehsoos karna mera ek ansh hai
Woh ansh jiske hone pe bhi mujhe tajoob hone laga hai!
Yakeen to bohot sari baaton pe tha 
Par aaj us yakeen par se bharosa sa uth chuka hai!



Your's
Zahir karna to ek zariya tha!
Zariya jo kamjor tha!

New year is all about doing the most unexpected!
New year is all about not following the usual routine!

It all depends on what you choose!
What you choose, is what you get!

Dear Readers,

Wish you all a very happy and prosperous new year! 

Your's
Devasrita