Which is worse

I don't know which is worse,

The fact that you are a memory now

Or the fact you still haunt me

The fact that you are a nightmare now

Or the fact that I still long for you

I don't know which is worse

Jotting my feelings down

Or pushing them in the left corner of my left heart 

Let the tears roll down my cheek

Or just smile through 

Wish I knew which is worse!

Yours
Thinking out loud

Self-reflection

How much of self reflection can you take in?

Is there a 'little too much' ?

Is there a 'little too less' ?

Are you afraid of the dark my dear?

Isn't reflection is always a way to build a better 'you'!

Isn't reflection is not supposed to scare you?

If it scares you, then who will show you the dark!

For every dark, there is light

And for every light there is dark



Cause babe! You are your own salvation!

Yours
Not so often I get soul-stirring thoughts now

Unsettling thoughts

I tend to see the good in a soul

Its goodness, helps me like them better

Its goodness, helps me mingle

Its goodness, helps me to withhold my peace of mind

Is this such a bad thing!

Is this my weakness!

Is this how I want to be the future me!

I can be judgmental sometimes, you know! Like they say, ignorance is bliss! It truly is! At least for me! I always have this fear of turning into an egocentric, arrogant and ruthless person. I hope never become one. 

Yours
Restless mind and unsettling thoughts

Saga of a moderately exhausted soul!

Letting you thrive under my breath

Letting you out of my box under my wistful mind

Letting you out of the guarded self 

Letting you out of the flip side 

Holding you back in, gives me jitters

Suffocating you within, gives me mindless pain

Drowning you inside, gives me serious pleasure


Why is it that , I have so much self-doubt! Sometimes it gets over my head and sometimes I self-doubt my self-doubt.! 
It's exhausting!
But sometimes I feel it acts as my defense system!
But sometimes I feel it soothes my troubled soul!


Yours
I self-doubt my self-doubt
I wonder how righteous that is

A contemplation

You don't become what you are today, without any reason

 You don't state things what you do today, without any haunting past

You don't care less what you never did, without any lessons learnt

You don't get mad what you always did, without any contemplation 

You don't get distant what you often feared, without any anguish

You don't feel a thing what you used to, without any ...well you know what!


Yours
I get less mad
I get more distant

Someone once told me, write your story!
Write our, not-so-ours story!

I keep reading, re-reading the same line every now and then!
It ignites the old me!
It pushes the old me forward!

 But when you write a little too much about the pain, it eventually leaves you!
It makes these little horcruxes of you!
One at a time!
The heart always longs for what it knows it can never have!

But then isn't it how it always starts!

Yours
Your words bring back the old me

Intensity

You can never coax a broken heart

You can never mend a broken heart

You can never slow down the magnitude of your pain

You can never mellow down the intensity of your love

You are my driving force

You are my repulsion

Only you are not mine

Yours

I hate to love the intensity your love brings in every time

Cognitive Dissonance

When you start reassessing your life

 Your decisiveness and your indecisiveness

 Your rights and your wrongs

 Your every selfish move and your every selfless action

 Your every empathy and your disdain

Your sympathy and your apathy

Your friendly and your condescending behavior

Your trust and your betrayal  

Your love song and your hateful scribble

Your inspiration and your hindrance

Your happiness and depression

Your calm and your fierce demeanor

It confuses me sometimes
It worries me sometimes
It eats me up sometimes

But then sometimes are sometimes
But then sometimes are not everytime

Yours
Cognitive Dissonance

Day by day it is becoming difficult to hold my peace of mind in one frame!
People around want a piece of your peaceful brain!
People around always hog on your happiness!
People around you fake it, for the same reason you stopped believing them!
People around you always suck your breath!
People around you annoy you, for the same reason you started ignoring those small little intricate details!
People around you always ...well not always but they do!

Yours
So difficult to find peace of mind

I don't know whether it's a 'me' thing or.. I think its normal...People surprise these days..The old ones..who I know and who have been there in my life for quite sometime now.

In a good way, it is amazing. It feels great!

You

It is overwhelming at the same time it is painful...I was head over heels over you!
It was a good feeling!
It was  sweep-me-off-my feet feeling!
It was a happy heart feeling!
It was love!

Happiness was love!
Happiness was....was....


Yours 
You 

Challenging believes is sometimes not a right thing to do!

You believe that you don't hear it, cause someone closed their ears!

I don't hear it cause, it does not exist!

Yours
How did I get here
Such troubling thoughts

You and I live in an imperfect world!

Why does it bother me!

Why does it eat me from inside!

Why does it make me sad!

Why does my heart sulks every time!

Why do you have to lie!

Why do you have to keep me in dark!

Why do you push me to utter the bitter truth!

Why do you have to challenge my inner peace!

Why the world is full of lies!

Is it just because, everybody lies!

Or is it because, you and I live in an imperfect world!



Many a times I wonder about a lot of things
Should I be holding you within 
Should I be blabbering you out
Should I always dig a hole for me
Should I be showing you the light
But am I the one to show you the light
But am I the one to make a path for you
But what if I may be baised
But what if I may be wrong




Yours
After all! you and I still have to live in this imperfect world
Being an imperfect being
Being very much part of the living and the dead

You and I are the mirror image of my soul

Completing the circle becomes a priority with passing time!

Be it you!

Be it the conscience acting!

Yours
Sometimes love can't save it all

Ex!

When does an Ex becomes an "Ex"  ???

If you let them haunt you!
If you keep them real close!
If you let them in your life!
If you let them crawl back to you!

If you let them, to do what it is that they do!
Will they be called an "Ex" ??
Or just some regular lauv, that keeps coming back to you!
Cause you are the best!

Yours
Ex's and Oh's

I am someone who prefers a black and white picture of a rose than the colored one!
I don't know what it makes me!

The Second Opinion!

You grow old every day! That is something....well let's not go there!

The more I am growing older and complicated, the more I am realizing the fact that you cannot possible do everything on your own. I don't know whether its a good thing or a bad thing. And with years passing by, you have only one opinion to count upon! Your own! But sometimes my friend, you need a second opinion on things, on life and on your own insights!

Sometimes you are not quite enough

Sometimes you are quite not your self

Sometimes you are not your self-reminder

Sometimes reminder isn't quite enough to count upon

Sometimes sleeping on things isn't the right thing

Being a single child, I have been looked upon as a lonely, reserved well spoiled brat! They have often given/ rather asked this generic question, wouldn't it be nicer to have one another person! A sibling! 

Well, I have always not given them what they wanted! A suitable more appropriate answer! Cause its not! And I am used to get things done my way! When you don't know how to feel, you won't miss a thing! And the world has never bothered me with its insecurities! My laid-back self has always been enough for me! I have been raised this way! Call me a self-centered person, but I take my own decisions! I am proud of me!

But yes! With friends getting away and with geographical difference, I do miss a second opinion sometimes! I long for it! It would be nice to have one when needed!

Probably this longing will do something extraordinary to me!

Probably it will make me feel what the society wants me to feel!

Probably it will make a usual normal person!

Then there's this question! Will I loose myself in the process!

I definitely have a list of people to have second opinion on second opinions!

What dawned on me is that I have always have had a woman's perspective on life! But with passing time and change of my company, probably you do need a man's take on things as well. 

Its like  they say- "What you cannot see, they catch it off-guard!"

Yours

Early morning mood swings

For the one- that is not yours

The gift of unrequited love!

It detaches you from everything- Your soul
                                                      Your faith
                                                      Your empathy
                                                      Your attachments
                                                      Your judgments
                                                      Your emotions
                                                      Your inner peace
                                                      Your quite rested self
                                                      Your desires to find love again

Yours
Disturbed mind & unfinished soul

Hasratein!

Tum kisi ki aadat jaroor ban sakte ho!

Lekin kisi ki ibaadat nahi!

Tum kisi ka pyaar jaroor ban sakte ho!

Lekin kisi ka ishq nahi!

Tum ban to sakte ho, bohot kuch!

Lekin tum ban na chahate nahi!

Isme kismat ko kyun keench lana, jabki sandeh tumko hai khud par! 

Kis cheez ki gunzaish karein khud se, yeh mamla har waqt ulajh sa jata hai!

Kintu aur ek masla yeh bhi hai, ki tum hi tum ho aur hum hi hum hain!

Jaane kaise yeh gham hai!

Paaron pe beediyon jaise jakde hain!

Dil ne kaha, aaj jaane do inhe!

Lekin kambaqt gala hasraton ne rok liya use!

Ab lagta hai jaane denge ise!

Fir nayi jagah bi to banani hai!

Har kadam jab age hi rakhna hai, kyun na hasi ko saath lete chalein!


Khair hasratein to hazar hain!
Chaliye kisi ek se shuruwat karte hain!


Kabhi kabhi subhe ka bhula bi aag laga jata hai!

The new year post!

The other day, someone close asked me a question " why are birthdays so important to you?'
I had no answer to that question!

Asked me another question " why the hell you keep climbing up the same hill? "
I had no answer either!

Asked me another question " you give all these great advice, why don't you preach the important ones? Like staying away from the excruciating pain!
This time I had no answers! But that did spark my thoughts! 

If it is not meant to be , It won't!
But what if, you never found out, whether it was meant to be or not!
What then!
Would you go with the illusion of being extremely positive or being rational!

I surely assume a lot of things on my own!
But I am no maiden, that will dream of something irrational!

So here it goes again!
I am cynical!
I was never though!
But then who cares, you age with time!
You turn into a complete different self every year!
Isn't that what is supposed to happen!


Well Happy new year readers!

You be good readers and I promise to be much more cynical this year!

Yours
The cynic inside me