I love the sea as well as i love you! 

I wonder and i wander!

There she was sitting in the darkness, staring at nothing. She has been doing this very same thing for months together now and somehow staring at nothing but you somehow calms her ever fluctuating mind. But its not you she stares at, she stares at her own thoughts.....

Thinking and rethinking and revisiting and re-revisiting them again and again.... There is always that sharp pang that stops her beating heart....But then has it not stopped already?

What went wrong?
Or What is wrong?
Was it even there?
Is it even there?
Whatever you said, did you sincerely mean any of them?
But the knowing you and observing your take on life, yeah some point of time even i believe some part of it was true...

Whatever i feel, does it even exist?
Am i so fragile?
Am i so weak, that you can break me up again?
Why then, why later and why now, why is it i fail to learn from my mistakes?
Or is that i will never learn form my mistakes?
Or is it that i will continue to fall? 

She doesn't know whether to ask for forgiveness
She doesn't know whether to run away
She doesn't know whether to abandon you
She doesn't know whether to please you 
But she has done something wrong already!
Because whatever she does or doesn't kills her anyway
And that is why she has killed you and murdered her own soul.....
Leaving that "us" to drown deep, deep into emptiness 
But then isn't that you what you have always wanted?
To be free from any form of attachment?

Sometimes i just wonder! 
What are you looking for?
One moment you walk with me
The very next moment you are that stranger walking down all alone on a lonely dark night
One moment you are mine
The very next moment you are someone i used to know
One moment you are afraid of loosing her
The very next moment you don't care
Are you this tough or you are good at pretending?
But when i think of those painful years you have been through, it all makes sense. All the broken pieces seems to stick to the right places. 
And then i have only one question, why me?

But she isn't any saint!

Ask forgiveness for what,  loving you?
Isn't that unconditional?
Isn't that consuming?

That one thought, that one day, that one night and that one question. What she has to loose anyway, what i have to loose anyway. That killed her. That killed me from within.


Yours
Soulless and spiritless monster, who killed her own soul!

Who made them, made them very well!

Ahhh something that inspired me and i did made a fool of myself!

What's even worse, i was shouting errrr not sure whether i should call it singing or what ever!! With my ears plugged in with those beautiful, sweet little ear phones! Who made them, made them very well ;) 

"Unconditional! Unconditionally!
I will love you unconditionally!
There is no fear now
Let go and just free"   

Definitely Katy Perry! Yeah!

Yeah currently this is "The song" that is fueling me! Neither in a good way nor in a bad way but as a part of the healing process! But then do you actually heal with time? Am yet to find the self convincing answer! 

But what caught my fancy the other day was, when we say or for that matter i say that i am least bothered about what so ever! Yeah i know i usually say this! It definitely sounds way too rude and yeah to be specific disgustingly rude! But then i am rude at times and am not proud of it! Habits, mannerisms and psychological perspectives are like our own skin! Like new skin replaces the old dead cells, same way human psychology keeps altering! Well that would not make u a split personality! But that's not what ..... 

Yeah so when we say we are least bothered!
Does that usually mean, that you are least interested?
Does that usually mean, that you want to escape?
Does that usually mean, that it disturbs you?
Does that usually mean, that it distracts you?
Does that usually mean, that you want the pain to stop?
Or does that always mean, trust me am very much bothered!
Trust me am as curious as the other person!


Does it heal you, when you say am least bothered about you and rest of the world doesn't exist!!
Shutting down yourself from you and rest of the world, does that make you happy?
So if you have stopped bothering then why do you care?
Why do you get scared?
How does that make you feel?

You will never have an answer. I don't have an answer. And that is why i keep asking questions! 
But at least i have learnt one important and very delicate fact! You can, i can ask as many questions i want! But you can't, i can't expect as many answers i want! What is so special about these question when there are tons and tons of  them racing through my neurons? Well the impact they leave is very very intense! Some of them get out and few of them degenerate!

Why me?
Why now?
Why this way? 
Why not that way?

Will i ever heal? 
But then do i want to be healed?

Your's
Who made them, made them very intense!

The quest!

Quest is whether you can forgive yourself
Quest is whether you can beat the blue
Quest is whether you can take back your words
Quest is whether you can escape the crowd
Quest is whether you can banish those sweet little moments
Quest is whether you can end the excruciating pain

Quest is whether you can stop blaming yourself
Quest is whether you can numb the numbness
Quest is whether you can hold your breath
Quest is whether you can turn back time
Quest is whether you can barricade love
Quest is whether you can block your thoughts

Quest is not what you conceive 
Quest is not what you seek

Quest is inside me
Quest is beside me

Quest is so close to me
Quest is so old to me, it just changes the gear every time i find it!

Your's 
The blinking cursor and the blank mind

Chocolate, men, coffee- some things are better yummy! ;)

Are you friend's with the monster that's inside your head??

Are you?

Well what about me...well we share a love-hate relationship! 

Who is she?

They call her the night fairy

When she kisses you goodnight

They call her an angel

When she makes your life an incredible journey

They call her sunshine

When she brightens your day by her charismatic smile

They call her goddess

When she blesses your wretched life with her presence

They call her a good omen

When she brings back luck into your life

They call her strength

When she makes your backbone rock solid

They call her a witch

When she doesn’t rule your world your way

They call her lonely

When she breaks all the attachment that kills her

They call her damaged

When she tries hard to get a grip on her life

They call her imperfect

When she fidgets

They call her a bitch

When she refuses to go with the flow!

Who is she?

She is with in me and she is within you!

She is not stealing the show! “He” will always be the show stopper! At least as long as she doesn’t get that grip back on her life!

Yours

Sometimes it’s inappropriate to go with the flow

Sometimes it’s unconventional to be conventional

Sometimes it’s inapt to follow your light

Sometimes it’s unjustified to be justified

You don't always look for answers!

I often think what is that urge, that compels you to do something for someone.

I very often think that why is that when we do something for someone it makes us happy.

Is it because they deserve every bit of it or is it because you wanted it to do for you?

Do you do certain things in life to serve your soul purpose in life?

Do you perform a task just because you think it’s your duty?

Do you fulfill a wish because that's what you want or that's because the other person needs you to?

But then needs and wants are two different entities? I need a thing. I want a thing.

If i need, i make it happen.

If i want, i wait for it to happen.

But then do you always wait for the right time? There is no right time though.

There were times when we used to wait for the right time. There were times when I waited for the right time to conjure the truth!

Sometime back a good friend told me, when you do something for someone that's because there is reason behind it and at some point of time you expect them to do the same.

Even I have had my years of soul searching. Not every time you ask a question you know it will be answered. Not every time you have a doubt you know it will be cleared. Not every time you are in a dilemma, you will find a way.

Someone once told me, I do it because it is my duty.

Someone once told me, I do it because I want to.

Someone once told me, I do it because that’s what is expected of me.

What puts me in a strange place is when I try to correlate the series of events.

Why, why, and why.

Are duty and wants correlated?

Is expectation a part of performing a task?

Is duty a part of a daily ritual?

There are too many questions. There are too many answers.

There were too many questions.

There will be more and more of it.

Not always I was searching for an answer.

Not always I want an answer.

But little did I know, you are capable of answering each and every one of them.

Little did you know, that particular night

Little did you know, that exact time

I wasn't looking for an answer.

I just wanted to be heard.

Because some truths are easier when hidden.

Yours

Whether to repent or rejoice!

Whether to release or recapture!

Saving and killing an illusive dream!

What is an illusion?
Is it an illusion?
I often ask this question to my inner goddess!
You know what she says! 

She says things that you are not ready to accept and things you desperately want to happen to you but they don't is an illusion!

But then who doesn't know what is an illusion! Things that give birth to false believes! Things that are wrongly perceived! And you say i had an illusion!!! 

Having one and convincing yourself that you had an illusion! That is not what reality is! But having an illusion and facing reality aren't two contradicting terms? They drift away from each other in two different pathways! But when they join, they form a straight line, where you won't know, when it all started as an illusion and when you realized it was that bitter truth of life that is so hard to accept! 
But then with time and with much increased levels of threshold you learn to accept the bitter truth! Errrr..not only bitter truth! In that case any thing that is true and that anything that makes you what you are today! Accepting a truth is much more difficult than living in an illusive dream! But as humans we always run after that illusive dream of ours! You know why? Cause we believe that one day we are gonna turn that illusive dream into reality! And sometimes that life runs out and some of our illusive dreams stay right there from where it started! Another illusive dream! But isn't that how the chakra works??
I can't save your soul!
Neither can you save mine!
But then what if i don't want to be saved!!
I am not asking a question!

Illusive dreams just break away like the wild raindrop! 
They drop! They drag!
They never stick to one place!
They run down and they run away!
They reappear! 
And when that is not enough they haunt you!
But then we all have some or other thing that haunts us at some part of time!
Do you kill them??
I don't cause i can't! 
And i don't have the strength to murder one of my illusive dream!

We can talk about dreams!
Dreams are good!

Yours
I can't forget what i have done!
Baby i can't save your soul!
Cause i can't save mine!

It's better that i shut it down myself rather than i shutting down myself from everything!
But then is it easy?

Reactions- better known or better unknown!

What bothers you most- when you know how the person standing in front of you feels or when you don't know how the person feels?

You can only interpret how a person reacts to a particular thing only if you have lived long with that person or if you understand the person adequately! I won't say you can only decipher the exact feeling if you understand completely, because somehow and anyhow no matter how long you have lived together or even how well or close you are, there are times when we are completely clueless about certain things! Cause you can't understand a person completely, with every passing moment you learn to understand him/her better. And that's because,  with every passing time we learn from our mistakes, we learn from our success, we learn from each other and when that's not enough, time teaches us! And there's this mutation! If not learn, then at least mutate! I know you can do that! i can! I think so!

Reactions can be sometimes overwhelming, like mine
Reactions can be sometimes disheartening, like mine

Reactions can be sometimes drastic, like mine
Reactions can be sometimes gradual, like yours

Reactions can be sometimes ugly
Reactions can be sometimes beautiful

But what actually keeps you in the loop is when these are only reactions! When you overreact, the very next moment you loose everything that you have! But then if you ask me, i think i over react at times. What puzzles me is- is it always that i over react or is it how you look at me?
But then most women do, don't we? or at least we think we over react....

But the whole post is not about how and why women over react, it's about how it feels when you know or don't know what is the exact reaction...So let me stick to it...Phew my own thoughts are so mean!!! Like really mean! they always tempt me to drift away! Always!

Yeah so what was i saying, where do you like it? On the bed or under the shower?

Whatttt! I am just talking about the good thought process!

Well when you know a person enough to decode their exact reaction for a particular issue, sometimes it helps you in decision making and sometimes it confuses you!
Why it confuses you? Well there are things that you want to do and the other person doesn't! In that case you are really confused whether to go with it or abandon it!
How it helps you in decision making, well that part we all know, i needn't elaborate!

Anyways it's always easier to give than to take away!
Anyways it's always easier to agree than to disagree!
Anyways it's always easier to nod than to keep mum!
Anyways it's always easier to keep everyone happy.... well about this one, am really not sure!

But then don't you always choose the right path? I know some of you do, few of my friends do and they want me to! But am no saint! Bad attracts bad, likewise wrong attracts me!
And i don't want to be a saint but why would i want to be one when i have few people in my life to pull me back from hell! But trust me hell is very inviting ;) ( a word of caution- this is not for the weak heart)

Sometimes when you know what is going to be exact reaction, it scares you... hmmm you have a doubt about that? Well it scares the hell out of me and at times it hurts me also! But then you are hmmmm not even me! We are no Professor Snape! We can't control minds! 

Many a times when am not sure how  he is going to react, it blinds me! Yes he! Why he! Why you! It has become a part of me! What i am today! But let's leave "the he and you" alone for now! Even if i don't, he will!

What am just saying is, when you don't know about the reactions, it can lead to misunderstandings! It can lead to fights! It can lead to anger! And anger my friend! Is itself a killing machine! So whenever you have a slightest doubt, pop up the question! Do it then! Do it now! 
Ahhh! i know you will be more than happy to know whether i do it myself or not! Well sometimes i do and many times i don't. That's because am too afraid to even ask! And somethings are better left unsaid even after knowing that they are ones that you will keep thinking about!

Seriously speaking i don't have any clue what am doing right now!
Seriously speaking i don't have any clue why am doing what i am doing!
Seriously speaking i don't have any clue what am going to do later!
Seriously speaking i know it's numbing me! 

It all depends on which side you are on! That will find an answer for you!

Your's
You were never mine!
You will never be!
But does it really matter!
I knew it already!

Here i am, missing you again !!

I miss you when i go to sleep
Cause there is no one to bid me goodnight
Cause there is no one to tuck me in

I miss you when i get up in the morning
Cause there is no one to wake me up
Cause you are my own sun

I miss you when i have nightmares
Cause there is no one talk to
Cause there is no one to calm my nerves

I miss you when i have a great news to share
Cause you are unavailable

I miss you, when i need a friend
I miss you, when i need an answer
I miss you, when i need an opnion
I miss you, when i need a lover


I miss you when am elated
Cause you are inaccessible 

But i don't miss you when i dream
Cause you are already there

But i don't miss you when i sleep 
Cause you are in my dreams

But what i fear most
When dreams become dreams!

I wish i would have played my cards right!

Your's 
I just can't believe this is my life
In my fantasy you are running wild!!!

Insecurity-You have one?

Do we all have insecurities?

Or is it just that some of us are smart enough to hide them?

Or some of us don't have?

I don't have answers for this one. There are hundred and one questions that are running through my head right now, but don't they compete with each other every time i try to figure out some answers! And the one that catches my fancy, troubles me even more.

Sometimes i just wander whether it's fair to stay occupied ? Well whether it's fair to you am not really sure but it definitely is not the best thing for the people around you! But being preoccupied keeps you sane though!
Staying occupied consumes you, staying preoccupied kills you!
Which is your take? If you ask me, well i am not so sure whether being preoccupied keeps me sane and kills me from within!
And a little insecurity takes you everywhere and any where at the same time! There comes a moment you think you have everything that makes you happy!! errr even more happier! And there comes a time when you think what is that thing that will make you happy! 
Insecurities are part and parcel of life! Without them you won't even know where you stand in your vicious journey of life! Why viscous! Well life keep on looping and un-looping!
 Let me ask you a question, No matter how secure you are, there comes a time in life when you are not sure what to do! So what would you call it? Insecurity? Fear? Clueless? 
There comes a time when everything you have is not enough?
What would you do then?
There comes a time when the truth you have been living with all these years turns out to be total bomber. Would you close your eyes? Would you stop believing? 
There comes a time when the great thing you have together seems so void?
What would you do? WOuld you stop growing together? 
We all have, had or might have insecurities! You have to learn to live with that. You have to accept the fact you have insecurities! There is nothing to be ashamed of! I agree i have a hell lot of insecurities! I always had and i will continue to have more and more of them! 
You know what i did when i had them earlier, i never accepted them so it ate me!
You know what i do now, i welcome them with my open arms and let them sit on the porch of my life!
You know what will do tomorrow, i will grow with them!
Insecurities are part of you and some or the other way they make you the person you are today! They make you stronger! And who cares what people think of you as long as you are sane!

So live with it! Dine with it! 
Dance with it! Paint with it!

Cause it is going nowhere, find a way to battle them!

Your's
There's always a Mr.Big in everyone's life!

Is it a fling or am i in a relationship?

I just wonder whether it's a fling or am i in a serious relationship with chocolates! It's been the second week am indulging in lots n lots of chocolate therapy!!! But it does help! It does lifts my spirits!

Are chocolate ice creams girl's new best friend? Or should I say the old best friend! We know, old is gold!

 I usually wonder, why is that every time I think of you the very next thought following it is a bowl of real rich dark chocolate ice cream. Though being on the higher side of BMI, I am supposed to watch for that little xtra with an x weight that I should'n put on..

But sometimes you know what a girl needs? A little something that makes her happy..and that can range from a bowl of ice cream to a bar of chocolate, 

from a heart melting smile to a big bear hug 

from a little phone call to a silent time with someone she loves.

We are women and some of us are materialistic and some of us are not. But what really matters is what makes us happy? What keeps us off the bar!!

But then is it that we need a ice cream to make us happy? Is it that we a need a chocolate therapy to cheer us up? Is it that we need to shop to make us happy? Sometimes i just wonder is it just the hormones that initiates the cravings or it's just me! But what about others? What we have in common is we are women and we have the same hormones running through us but the peak of these hormones is what actually matters! 

What keeps us with you and what keeps us without you. If you make us happy, you make us happy...isn't that the logical thinking that you brag about?? 

Yes man! You make me happy!

 Sometimes it's easier to be like everybody else than being yourself!!

There's so much bitterness biting my soul, even the darkest chocolate tastes sweet!

Your's
I surrendered everything 
To feel the chance to live again!

They say distance makes your heart grow fonder!
I say it clears your head!

Cauldron of feelings!

My life was complete until you came in
My life was hassle free until you were born
My life was full until the till and until the still

Like i always say there is a you in you
Like i always say that you are you
Like i always say you are with in me and i am within you

When you ask me who is this "you", that you always write about.
Sweet heart, it's you!!
It's not only you
It's him
It's me

Emotions are a part of me, it's a part of every human being alive on this mighty earth! Without that you won't be alive my friend! 
What are the common emotions we feel, yeah we feel not experience! Why feel! Cause once someone close to my heart told me that! It's the emotions you feel! Feel it! cherish it! But like every other woman on the planet, sometimes i like to hear things that i already know. And if a man is reading my blog right now! Back of his mind... err ...there's no back of mind..it's the mind and it's the logic that makes a man what he is! Yeah when you whisper those sweet nothings into my heart, i feel elated. I feel alive! I feel rejuvenated! But then why go into the deep matrix of thought! Let me stop here! And what we know is there exists something called love! Love makes you go weak in your knees! That's when you feel elated and you feel so much alive! 

"  I want to know that love will surround us!
   And you'll share it with me every day!
   You'll care for me now and forever!
    I'll give anything to hear you say"- Michael learns to Rock!!


  It definitely rocks my world! :) :)

With love comes regret! ha ha ha! Not always though!( The mocking is very much intentional)
Regrets! Who doesn't have any! You have! I have! Even god has! And how on earth i know this! Well c'mon haven't you watched those mythological series that they run on tv every time! hmmmm Now where is this coming from!!! Well Well Well now a days the Buddha wisdom is overflowing! 
So yeah! Regrets!

As the online dictionary says "it's a feeling of disappointment."A longing! A longing of loss or longing for someone! And as they say! It is a state of mind! But i choose to disagree! And why! Cause it's always the mind that heals faster than the heart! Mind has that magical power of forgetting the wounds! But the heart remembers it very well! So it's the heart that regrets not the mind!

There was a time i life, when i proudly used to say! No machaa! I don't have any regrets in life! Not until now! Now look at me, i have a pile lying down somewhere near my rib cage!! 

The intensity or the degree of regretness increases with increasing degree of decision making!

How often you say yes and how often you say no and for that matter how often you compromise or how often you  try!

Like say for example! A very common one! I think the one's into music will agree with me! When you were kids, your parents used to force you into learning music so that you can make use of you gorgeous voice! Or the ones with great skillful fingers, were forced into learning to play any instrument! Why the term"forced into" Well at that tender age half of us don't even know what were our interests! What music our soul registers! And poor parents they ended up forcing us! Phew! Even i had been through such a phase! Trust me it's real pain in the ass, when you don't want to do something and you are made to do it! 

But later in life we realize, oh gawd! i should have done that! I should never have left music! I should have practiced more!( ha ha well in my case i should have at least practiced, kal dhang se riaaz kiya hota to aaj kam-se-kam dhaang se sur to jud jate)...so there comes regret! Like i regret i wish i should have known i would be such a music addict, i should have at least finished my singing lessons! Or at least i should have learnt how to play an electric guitar! Jesus christ! Krishna! Rama! Allah! Whatever religion you follow! So what we end up with, alright maiin nahi to kya hua, mera bachha to shikhega na! There again goes the vicious cycle! Oh gawd! again the same mistake! I am not saying parents are wrong! I am just saying it's again an emotion we feel! Regrets in life!

If you ask me what are my regrets! Well there's a long list!

I wanted to be painter, became a photographer instead!

I wanted to be a singer, became a music addict!

Becoming what you never knew you would become-whether it's a replacement or you learn to compromise with what you have and what you can!

I don't know how this works for you, but for me, i always follow my instincts! 

Why do we cry hopelessly? Why do we tears come from the inside the heart? Why the heart is always wet?

Ever wondered why the heart is wet? Naah you wouldn't have!!! Logically speaking, he he he yeah sometimes i do! Because it pumps blood! 

Once someone told me i have lost my warmth, i have dried up! I have become opaque!

But little did he knew that i was channeling my emotions into my blog! It's good that it stays here! Cause my friend when you have all these feelings flowing through you, you are very vulnerable! 

At least i was! And again one more feeling is that what you feel deep inside you might be wrong so you end up concluding it as a pms! Well it's not! It's not the hormones, it's you! 

Well this i might be wrong comes with all the decision that you make, all the thoughts that you have and even all the instincts that you follow!

Same goes with point of views! If you have one, you are focused! If you have many, does that mean you are not focused! Naah it's just that you are giving it too many thoughts! 

Someone err, difference is he says it on my face and some don't!!! I am  very head strong! I too accept it gracefully! The thing is when you start living your life on your own terms &  conditions and especially when you are away from home, there are moments in life you have to stand against every odd and pass with flying colors, there are moments in life when you have to decide on things that you never knew existed! Such mere things makes you head strong! But then don't you agree, what doesn't kill you, makes you even more stronger!!

Like i always say, it's always you, who is responsible for the place where you stand today! 

So keep breathing and keep living!

Your's
My blue angle it's no crime, to make sweet love in t he moon light!! (wink)

There is a huge difference between having a point of view and having too many point of viewsssssss!!!!!

What is your state of mind?

I really wonder, not once not twice but many a times, does our present state of mind affects our decision making in any way?

Does the state of mind affects him or her in a very intense way?
Does it interferes with saying yes or no to a question?
Or does it pile up in numerous questions in front of you?
Or does it pile up in numerous answers in front of you?

Like for instance, i suddenly become very angry with a person? 
This is purely and deeply for instance, not the actual fact and there is no such particular person. Yeah right so sometimes i become very angry with a person for some silly reason, that particular moment i become furious, but may be later, or after some hours when i look at it, it looks so stupid.. Why does this happen? I often wonder the human capabilities of getting angry so fast? So how many minutes it takes me to  become angry? some fraction of seconds right! How an emotion can be so quick and so strong? Have you ever wondered?? I usually do... Is it due to the way am made or just sheer habit..
Now when we talk about habits, yeah they can be good, they can be bad..They can be addictive and then again they can be just habits....

They say people who commit suicide are cowards..Do you agree ? I know some of you agree and some won't.. And some wouldn't even have wondered about this? Why? Well some may be too busy to even worry about others, or some may not be affected by this.. Though am lucky enough not to witness this. But i have been a hostelite during my student life and i have heard a few. It's a very sensitive thing if you observe very closely. When i think about this, i usually wonder what on the earth makes the person so fragile and so stressed that she or he has to give up on life. There is always at least one person in your life with whom you want to age slowly. But when one commits suicide, what is the state of mind? Is the person afraid of being a person he is or is he afraid of the person he is turning into? Does this fragility make the person so strong emotionally that he decides to let go of everything?

You confess your truth
Does it makes you stronger?

You confess your lie 
Does it make you weaker?

You confess your fear
Does that make you invincible?

Confessing a thing or two is never easy. Some are born with open mind. Some are born with closed mind..Some have the capability of sharing and some are just amputated when it comes to sharing. Some are very selective about their choices they make in life. They are very careful about what they talk and to whom. If you ask me what i feel about confessions of a complicated mind! Why complicated? Trust me mind is always complicated, it's always the person who processes it..Some make it complicated, so there goes!! ahh! he or she is a very complicated person. And those who process it swiftly and neatly, we call them a open book..Even anatomically the mind errrr brain is truly a complicated structure...Let's keep the anatomy out of the mind! Let it not complicate the post! :) 
It has always been a bigggg step for me to confess certain truths of my life! And why..Isn't that supposed to be easy..Well what makes it difficult is the state of mind! One moment your are emotionally driven, so you confess your exact thoughts! One moment you are so hurt you hold back everything... One moment you are so restless that it just becomes a poison trying to escape! It starts spilling! One moment you are so afraid that it makes you breathless! You wonder what if and what next!!! So it's always the state of mind that interferes with your confessions! And trust me if are woman! You have enough mood swings! Thanks to those boiling hormones and thanks to pms!! We have a lot more extra on that platter! 
When that moment passes, more often you kill yourself a thousand times on what on the earth was your state of mind!!! We often end up thinking, owh my gawd! I would have never said that! I am such a fool! But then like always our human tendency interferes! C'mon you have balls to talk about that shit and you have a very strong gut feeling to absorb that!

So there it goes again, the state of mind complicating my thoughts!
State of mind never lasts longer!
State of mind never stays!
State of mind never leaves!
State of mind always craves the longing!
State of mind always creates the excitement!
State of mind always shuts you down from with in!
State of mind is always and never!!!


Your's 
Maiin anjani si hun woh kahani!
Hogi jo na puri!

Forgetting things!- Medical condition or your own brain child!

Do we actually forget things?

How often do we forget things?

Or we just pretend to forget things?

One another medically correct reason can be- amnesia! There are different types of them, ah! Let’s not get into those! Well it’s an occupational hazard to talk about these things! Never mind! Well that’s my style isn’t? Always drifting away from the factual facts!

Alrightyyyy then let’s see how far I can get through! Yeah so what was I saying, again! Yeah why do we forget things!

Let’s start with the age factor…. When we are young, young includes both teenagers and early twenties and for some exceptions like me though late twenties also count in…yeah so when we are young we remember each and every moment, birthdays, journey together, first ice cream together and my gawd what not! Anniversaries! yeah there’s a long list! For the one’s in love, may be first proposal, bunch of red roses, first valentine’s day, first kiss and even sex(Oh c’mon don’t gimme that omg wala look!!) For the one’s with a lovely lively and adorable gang, we remember those little fights, those bicycle rides in the middle of the road and small cute fights between the garam-masala chai drinkers and coffee addicts (this particular detail is very much intentional).. No matter what time it is, we always have time for that extra little talk talk…We return back the calls in case we miss, which we hardly miss…. We swear on eachother that we will always be together till our last breathe…If you stay away from family, friends become your family…. You laugh with them, you cry with them! Trust me I am even luckier to have two little brats with me since my graduation! Sometimes it feels so full and sometimes it feels so void! What else? I guess I am not missing out on any facts!

But then comes the tricky part! We start growing up! We grow into a relationship and we do grow out of a relationship! We grow with people around us and we grow old with people with us!  Life starts unfolding its rough layers and we start getting wrapped into thicker and more thicker layers! Yeah now you must be thinking what happened to the memory loss part! Thing is sometimes errr quite often I get lost in my own pile of thoughts!Sooo...

 If you are a woman! A man comes into your life and everything changes! If you are a man! Even if a woman comes to your life you still try to hang on to the previous era! Where as for the former breed of women, some are true gems like I have one in my life! No matter where life takes her, she is still standing at the same place where I had left her few years ago! And the later breed of great men! They try and try and try to get hold of things! Get it back running the same way! But Like always, the sex comes n between! Vooo hoo! Not sex-sex! It’s the official term for distinguishing male and females! Now you got me!! Ha ha ha! Yeah as a woman, we are a little possessive, a little insecure and a lot more attention seeker! We want your every bit of time! I don’t know about others! I will like that! When you are with me, you have to be with me! When you are with others, like I always say! Enjoy! Have loads and lot more fun! And some, I don’t know what’s holding them or whatsoever are their problem! They seem so annoying! Very very annoying! They forget you or they suffer from memory loss or amnesia! What is the problem! They don’t return your call back! They have answers for every damn thing! And what you do, you listen, listen and listen and in the end you give up! Yeah that’s what I have learnt in my precious 27 years!

At times it hurts you to see them growing out of the circle! But then replaying those sweet little old memories you realize in the end, you were never in that circle! They were and they are happy without you! Like always you walk out saying who cares as long as I have few good ones!

You know what I exactly think is that it’s not memory loss It’s definitely not a medical condition! It’s just that you start growing old and at the same time you start drifting away! You tend to forget things! People like me! Sometimes even am puzzled! Yeah I forget things! I forget birthdays! I forget anniversaries! Have I become amnesic? Naah! I just want to! Am I trying to forget everything that makes me weak in my knees or am I honey trapped in my very own rules? I don’t know! How you do it? You stop actually listening to details that people have to give, you just intentionally become careless and you give a damn what everyone thinks!! Yeah that is the golden key!!

Sometimes ignorance is a bliss!

Sometimes memory loss is a blessing!

Sometimes staying cool is just so wonderful!

Sometimes being yourself is so easy!

Sometimes reverting back to old self gives you insane amount of peace!

 But in the end who cares! As long as you are happy! 

And it is irreversible!

I want to put my arms around your neck!!!!

Awwww!! 
Awwwwwww!!!

Not to love you, but to strangle you!!!!! Woooohooooooo!!!!

Priorities- you have many and i have lost mine!

Does your priority makes you a person that you are today?
Does your priority chooses what you want from life?
Does your priority makes you a better person or worse?
Does your priority chooses you or your fate?
Does your priority show you the right path?
Does your priority prioritise your life!

Your's
I took time to understand my priorities! 
Still i am learning! But once i have understood my priorities, i won't let you lead me! 
I won't let you tell me what is wrong, what is right! 
You know why? You won't know anyway, then why bleed!

Have you ever been afraid of yourself?

It is even scarier when you are!

There is so much randomness in life, it is difficult to fall into a pattern!

But  with so much randomness, there's always a pattern! An asymmetrical pattern!

Your thoughts were so deafening, i couldn't even hear the song properly!

You cannot have everything that is rightfully yours!

Jaane kis gaali jaa rahe hain! 
Khayal jaroor aya thi...
Ek din, ek haseen pal ka mujhe!
Lekin na jane woh kaun si khwaish thi
Na jane woh kaun sa dard tha
Na jane woh kaun sa lamha tha

Ya fir yun kahein, yeh mera waham tha!
Ya fir yun kahein, yeh bas mere dil ki awaz thi!
Ya fir kya kahein, ki aisa lage ki mere kuch bine bole hi woh do lawaz bayan ho gaye!

Naaa aise to nahi socha tha!
Aisa to bikul bhi nahi socha tha!

Aaj bhi khanakti hain woh baat mujhe!
Kaatanee ke liye daudti hai!
Kahan jaun! Kahan chupun!
Ab apne aks se kab tak chupun!
Ab apne aks se kitni lukka chupi khelun!
Ek din woh bhi thak jayega, aur main bhi!
Karron bhi to kya karoon!
Kitna bhaguun uss khwab ke piche!

Your's 
jiya lage na tum bin mora!

It's my fault that it is my fault!

It's my fault i that i am a fool
It's my fault that i fell for it
It's my fault that i didn't tell you
It's my fault that you are not the first one to know
It's my fault that i am strong
It's my fault that i let you in
It's my fault i can't hold it any longer
It's my fault i love the silence
It's my fault that it is eating me
It's my fault i let you go
It's my fault that i'm incapable of coping to it
It's my fault that i ever let you down
It's my fault that you don't have any answers
It's my fault that i express
It's my fault that i assume
It's my fault that all i want is happiness
It's always my fault
It's my fault!
It's my fault that it is my fault!

Your's 
Fault that is entirely mine and fault that is purely and completely mine!

You are the one who asked for it!
For some space!
Now that you have enough of it, you are trying hard to counterbalance the gap!!!
Why?

Five men you meet in a life time!

Well to start with men and their types is very easy! They are not as complicated as women! But yeah i won't say they are easy to understand but definitely a lot simpler than us! And when i say us, that without any doubt refers to women! urghhh! the most complicated ones! And being a woman, i completely agree with the fact! No matter how easy you think you are, deep inside you are that one complicated and unsolved mystery! 
Sometimes even the idea of being a woman frustrates me, i can't get a grip on my thoughts! I can't understand my own thoughts! 
We don't what we want from life! But now i guess! i know what i want from my life and like always i will not ask for it so... history prevailsssssssss......... 
But whatever my choice is or will be, let's us just look deep into the type or for that matter various types of men you meet in your life!

The first one: " One who annoys you in the beginning, ends up as your best friend"
First thing that you notice about this guy is that he is very annoying! You don't like this guy at all. So that one awkward meeting and you think phew! and thank god!!!! it's over! You think he's a starter and ll disappear up even before you notice he was there! With time you meet up and exchange a casual greeting. Still it's on that seesaw phase! But as you meet, you talk and you notice he isn't that bad after all! And like always! you have been hating him for no reason! So give it a chance and you start to know him, understand him better! Then one day you realize that he's a good guy and o course he's your best friend! So what do you do?? you stick to him?? yeah you do sometimes and sometimes not, depending on the circumstance! Cause they say, great friendships can give rise to even greater love stories! So, you take all the necessary precautions and maintain a distance! And you stay friends forever! 

And personally what i feel is that you can't know a person enough to keep them or let them go. Cause you start to or should i say, you know them better with each passing day of your life span! 


The second one: " The one who laughs with you"
What is the first thing you notice about this guy is his laughter! He's always there to cheer you up! Loves you like a sister, loves you like a friend! Confides in you! Shares a great deal with you. Never misses any chance to make you laugh! So girls do grab a copy of this guy if you find him! Cheers you up even in those days of life! He cares for you and loves talking about everything else except those intricate lines of life! A cool, chilled out guy! He's keeper! He often says " girl! i love you for being you" Never judges you! You are lucky enough if you have one! And if you have one but have not been giving him enough importance, then call him right now and let him know how much you miss him! I will do it for sure. It's time i let go of that false anger and embrace sanity!!! :) I have one! And i definitely treasure him! 


The third one: " the one laughs with you, makes you cry and scolds you but in the end he's that one sweet guy!
This one is "the most dangerous guy" living on the planet! Why dangerous! Cause he knows you inside out! You can't even tell a lie or hide something! This guy has a unique tendency to smell that something's wrong with you! He gives you enough space! Enough time to confess and when you don't and he realizes that you have gone way out of your league! He comes right after you, hunts you down and hits you right in the heart! 
As a woman, a girl or the weaker sex! You surrender! But then who doesn't want a guy who listens to you, hits you straight in your face when required! He shows you that image, which even the mirror hesitates to show.

And this guy! my friends is a very dear friend - to be a perfect groom soon :P  


The fourth one: " The one who stands by you throughout your life, watches your back without saying a word"
Ahh! He's one of a kind! Stays as chilled as a beer (quote borrowed and stolen) . Very helpful and very organised! Helps you organize your calendar  You don't even have to bother when matters are in his hand! Is very open about himself. Full of life and full of energy! And if you are a poor conversationalist, you don't have to bother when he is around, fills in that empty space for you! ;) Good at heart and great human being! Always watches you back! Extends that invisible hand of support!
And i will definitely say, if you have one, you are lucky enough.

The fifth one: " The one makes you happier" This one's a critical! Cause with each passing minute you feel you are drowning deep in his love" He is the man of your dreams! A man, a true gentleman not some random guy! And i know how much we women crave for this kinda guy! Only few have him. Few have him but can't have him and most of us fall for him! You love his company, you love his ideas and you love him. Cause he's the only one who fits your check list! And when i say check list! All the girls out there know what is a checklist! We girls, have a checklist for our prince charming! And it starts from the day we start playing "ghar- ghar". But personally i never played that thing.. for me it started when i watched dil to pagal hai! I knew what kind of a man i needed! Yeah whatever! Let's stick to the topic :)

Though as years pass by, the list gets a makeover and ends something like this:
A man! definitely a man!
Tall, dark, handsome! 
Looks utterly butterly delicious, when he slips into those pairs of blue denims and a white shirt!
A husky voice!
Strong hands!
Very well sculpted body!
Passionate
And tops the list is a good hearted person, a great listener and who never takes you for granted!
Now if by any chance, a guy is reading this list! He might have started cursing me! But my friend! like you notice how a girl looks on your first meeting we do have a list, whether he fits in well or not! Cause by any chance if you! you my man! what if you don't fit in deep inside! then what are we gonna do! Jokes apart! 
There is only one chance when we let go of that list and we are willing to compromise is when we are deeply, irrevocably in love with you! As studies suggest that, love releases those good hormones inside us! So it keeps us happy and happy enough to blind our thoughts! This is the time when we completely dismiss that year old check list saying that it was so immature to have one! But then this is one important part of growing up!

"Nahi samne tu, yeh alag baat hai
Mere pass hai tu, mere saath hai tu"

And if you lucky enough, the fifth one stays with you but you are even more luckier when he becomes your sixth one!
Cause he's the best thing that has ever happened to you!


Enough said! I am not a person who hates man kind! Rather i will say, i am person who is in love! 
Love makes you do such madness! ;)

Enjoy the read!

Your's
Love struck me, when i was weak in my knees
Love struck me, when i was looking for something else
Love struck me, when i was lost

Now that it has struck me, it stays!

The voice!
The long silenced voice in my head!
The unheard voice!

And now it screams!

Why it has to scream, when it can simply talk!
I guessing talking is difficult for her!

I always ask myself the same question!
Why did you come along, when the door was closed?

I always ask myself!
Why didn't i stop you?

I always ask myself!
Why did you come at the right time?

I often ask myself!
Why did you stay?

I often ask myself!
Why haven't you left?

Life is a graph-sheet! One moment there will be peak followed by the steady state plasma concentration and then the next moment there will be trough! And trough phase seems to be longest! It stays for a very long time! And then again a dose of a new drug, and the plasma concentration achieves a peak! And this time the peak follows trough and trough follows peak and it continues! In between those peaks and trough, there are few moment when you stop and reflect on the past! And that moment! my friends, is the greatest fear!


I wonder, even after knowing the complicated and unstable me, why haven't you abandoned me!
Is it your trait of holding on to people or are you bound by some promise?

Here goes the new rule!
So now you have to like a person based on his grades! His past! 
What about the time we have spent together!
What about the fights we have had back then!
What about those years!
Of course there is no history! Because not everything goes by the rules of history!
And obviously am not sure about the future!
Then why waste the golden time that we have now!
Why sit and bother what it was or is or will be!
Life is too short to judge!
Let it flow!
Why cut the roots, when it is worthless!
Why deviate the stream when it is seamless!
Why not fall in love, when it is madness!

And as i am a woman! I have a inner goddess too!
I have to listen to her! I have to obey her!
Because even anatomically the woman's brain differs from that of a man!


It's not my fault that i find it amazing!
It's not my fault that i find it excruciating!
Even my brain is a slave to my thoughts!

There are songs you love instantly!

There are songs you start liking eventually!

There are songs you love because someone else loves it!

There are songs that gels well with your mood!

There are songs you sing all the time!

There are songs that sticks along!

There are song that grows old with you, ages with you!

There are songs which heats you up!

There are songs in your head!
There are songs in my head too!

Fark sirf itna hai, i sing it all the time and you hold it back!

It's that instinct! when you know you will love the song!

Songs of joy!
Songs of despair!
Songs of love!
Songs of separation!

You can love me like a criminal! ;)

Sometimes i really wonder whether its the mind
Or the thinking!
For that matter even the taste or thoughts!
How can things be so damn similar!

Are you happy?- a bit of science, a bit of philosophy and a lot more of opinions!

I often ask my self a question. Am i happy? Does this make me happy? Will i be happy?
 And before i indulge into anymore talking, let me Google what happiness is exactly? So, let's see what Dalai Lama has to say, according to him "Happiness is not something that is ready made, It comes from your own actions"

So putting into my words, it is something you cultivate not something you buy...for that matter you acquire it.. 
It is something continuous and at the same time it is very stagnant! 
It is very strong and at the same time it is very fragile!

So how will you find a strong ground for holding your happy thoughts together in a nut-shell? I haven't ask many people this question but i have asked some of my close friends. 
One of them said, that she is 75% happy and the rest 25% she is not sure and ended the conversation with a confused smile. Like forever, she asked me why did i suddenly pop this peculiar question up? So yes we are not interested in the rest of the conversation but what exactly my point is are you 100% happy or do you really believe that a person can be 100% happy? Errr! for that matter can we actually rate happiness??? I ask you this question?? Do you have any answers?

Well being a woman and an author i have an opinion ... Cos women! They have opinion about everything, some say it aloud and some say it in their minds.... 
You can choose to cling to any part of the bar diagram.. yeah coming back to the main stream! Happiness!
I don't understand whether being philosophical or being scientific will fetch me an answer but i can always try being one of them and in case it doesn work then obviously i will merge philosophy with science! So how about that?? Well let's get hold of the scientific fact of being a happy person. According to a renowned doctor, happiness is a state of mind in which our thinking is pleasant a good share of time". Some researchers have also pointed out that body secretes something called as happy hormone......I don't how many of you will agree to this but i partly agree and partly disagree. Why i choose to disagree? What i feel it varies from person to person. It depends on a person, how they deal with what life has to offer. 

Say for instance a poor is also happy and a rich is also happy, what matters is how good they feel about themselves and how beautifully they accept life.Lets's say....am not saying this on my own, this is a well known fact, the amount of expectations, failures, success, anger, jealousy, ego and love all differ from mind to mind! Human mind is very complicated, the way it perceives things and the way it treats life is a complete contradiction. So all these seven elements and many more to the list cost us our happiness. Even being rich will not bu you happiness, even being poor will not cost you your piece of happiness! It all depends how you react or how you choose to or how you should! These "expectations" always engulf you! Expectations kill your happiness or they build you happiness! And for that matter say you are unhappy and you think the moment you give up your expectation the very second moment you are happy, well my dear ones that is not the exact truth cause you can't really give up on all the expectations! (try it if you can, and if you can then please share the experience). The next person whom i interviewed was my very own life! If i look back into my own life, few years back i was a very proud owner of a happy-go-lucky-no-regrets self! But as life moves on and throws light on 51 shades of complete awkwardness, there were moments i have regretted, there were moments i had felt so happy like there was no tomorrow, some moments i wanted to hang myself and the list goes on... But what i have learnt is no matter what comes your way, you have to stand up for yourself and fight! No matter whether you win or loose, it is always for your own good , cause everything happens for a reason. I will also admit that people plan, plan their whole life and some have figured it out that what exactly they want from life and they try to follow the same regimen...And they are incredibly happy but there are some people like us, who plan and plan and do every possible move to put those plans into action but somehow it goes out of fashion and follows a different stream. But what really matters is how you take up thing and how you let go of them!!! 

And there was this funny incident some years back, once in a lecture class after continuous 40 mins of giggling one of my lecturer scolded my beautiful friend yeah the cancerian! She said something like this" what are so happy about or why are you giggling so  much" smiling my friend replied, its simple am just so happy.....Life continues to surprise you in many more ways...It's always how you take it...
Once i was a person who was afraid of letting go of things, afraid of the heart break and what i was more afraid of was what if i make the person unhappy! But trust me with so much things going around and growing up with certain factual stories, i have learnt to fall out of it with completely no regrets in the end...

Kyunki" kaun mera mera, kya tu lage, kyun tu bandhe maan ke maan se dhaage, bas chale na kyun mera tere agee"

And while writing this particular post i have found out something, that it all depends on how early you come out of your depression! How clever you are and what you choose to let go! Happiness is something you learn with time, you cultivate.. It's never a thing that will choose you rather you have to pick it up. You have to dehypnotize yourself and get int those shoes of happiness.

Choose to let go of the wrong things and you are happy!
Choose to cling to the right things and you are unhappy!

Learn to differentiate what is actually right for you and what it rightfully yours, choose happiness cause it will never choose you! 

The mystery always wraps n unwraps!

Your's 
Life's unsolved mysteries