I love the sea as well as i love you! 

I wonder and i wander!

There she was sitting in the darkness, staring at nothing. She has been doing this very same thing for months together now and somehow staring at nothing but you somehow calms her ever fluctuating mind. But its not you she stares at, she stares at her own thoughts.....

Thinking and rethinking and revisiting and re-revisiting them again and again.... There is always that sharp pang that stops her beating heart....But then has it not stopped already?

What went wrong?
Or What is wrong?
Was it even there?
Is it even there?
Whatever you said, did you sincerely mean any of them?
But the knowing you and observing your take on life, yeah some point of time even i believe some part of it was true...

Whatever i feel, does it even exist?
Am i so fragile?
Am i so weak, that you can break me up again?
Why then, why later and why now, why is it i fail to learn from my mistakes?
Or is that i will never learn form my mistakes?
Or is it that i will continue to fall? 

She doesn't know whether to ask for forgiveness
She doesn't know whether to run away
She doesn't know whether to abandon you
She doesn't know whether to please you 
But she has done something wrong already!
Because whatever she does or doesn't kills her anyway
And that is why she has killed you and murdered her own soul.....
Leaving that "us" to drown deep, deep into emptiness 
But then isn't that you what you have always wanted?
To be free from any form of attachment?

Sometimes i just wonder! 
What are you looking for?
One moment you walk with me
The very next moment you are that stranger walking down all alone on a lonely dark night
One moment you are mine
The very next moment you are someone i used to know
One moment you are afraid of loosing her
The very next moment you don't care
Are you this tough or you are good at pretending?
But when i think of those painful years you have been through, it all makes sense. All the broken pieces seems to stick to the right places. 
And then i have only one question, why me?

But she isn't any saint!

Ask forgiveness for what,  loving you?
Isn't that unconditional?
Isn't that consuming?

That one thought, that one day, that one night and that one question. What she has to loose anyway, what i have to loose anyway. That killed her. That killed me from within.


Yours
Soulless and spiritless monster, who killed her own soul!

Who made them, made them very well!

Ahhh something that inspired me and i did made a fool of myself!

What's even worse, i was shouting errrr not sure whether i should call it singing or what ever!! With my ears plugged in with those beautiful, sweet little ear phones! Who made them, made them very well ;) 

"Unconditional! Unconditionally!
I will love you unconditionally!
There is no fear now
Let go and just free"   

Definitely Katy Perry! Yeah!

Yeah currently this is "The song" that is fueling me! Neither in a good way nor in a bad way but as a part of the healing process! But then do you actually heal with time? Am yet to find the self convincing answer! 

But what caught my fancy the other day was, when we say or for that matter i say that i am least bothered about what so ever! Yeah i know i usually say this! It definitely sounds way too rude and yeah to be specific disgustingly rude! But then i am rude at times and am not proud of it! Habits, mannerisms and psychological perspectives are like our own skin! Like new skin replaces the old dead cells, same way human psychology keeps altering! Well that would not make u a split personality! But that's not what ..... 

Yeah so when we say we are least bothered!
Does that usually mean, that you are least interested?
Does that usually mean, that you want to escape?
Does that usually mean, that it disturbs you?
Does that usually mean, that it distracts you?
Does that usually mean, that you want the pain to stop?
Or does that always mean, trust me am very much bothered!
Trust me am as curious as the other person!


Does it heal you, when you say am least bothered about you and rest of the world doesn't exist!!
Shutting down yourself from you and rest of the world, does that make you happy?
So if you have stopped bothering then why do you care?
Why do you get scared?
How does that make you feel?

You will never have an answer. I don't have an answer. And that is why i keep asking questions! 
But at least i have learnt one important and very delicate fact! You can, i can ask as many questions i want! But you can't, i can't expect as many answers i want! What is so special about these question when there are tons and tons of  them racing through my neurons? Well the impact they leave is very very intense! Some of them get out and few of them degenerate!

Why me?
Why now?
Why this way? 
Why not that way?

Will i ever heal? 
But then do i want to be healed?

Your's
Who made them, made them very intense!

The quest!

Quest is whether you can forgive yourself
Quest is whether you can beat the blue
Quest is whether you can take back your words
Quest is whether you can escape the crowd
Quest is whether you can banish those sweet little moments
Quest is whether you can end the excruciating pain

Quest is whether you can stop blaming yourself
Quest is whether you can numb the numbness
Quest is whether you can hold your breath
Quest is whether you can turn back time
Quest is whether you can barricade love
Quest is whether you can block your thoughts

Quest is not what you conceive 
Quest is not what you seek

Quest is inside me
Quest is beside me

Quest is so close to me
Quest is so old to me, it just changes the gear every time i find it!

Your's 
The blinking cursor and the blank mind