As always and as usual!

Everything looks so surreal to me!

Your fake laugh
Your fake concern
You desire to fulfill my every wish
You make me materialistic
You lure me to the unknown

But there are these small little things that still have the guts to make the inner goddess happy and content!
That cute excitement on your face
That eagerness to unveil the surprise
That unconditional love
That hint of happiness

It all pulls back that old self from the dump yard!

But then when that old self looks back at the journey she had been on, she is still on and she will be on, it all looks justified to dump the old self!!
They say that whatever you suffer or whatever you gain is your karma!
They also day that do good and spread the good word, you will be taken back to the heaven!
 I don't know whether you are looking up on me!
I don't know whether you are watching over!
I don't know whether you are guiding me!
I don't know whether you are making me a better person!
I don't know whether am going down to the lower realms or am rising up to upper realm!
I don't have clue about almost everything!
And those which i have an idea about, is on a killing spree!
For just once, i want to actually laugh without making an conscious effort!
For just once, i want to sincerely spent some worry free time!
For just once i want to feel that old friendship! A lot has changed! Some i altered and some just got misplaced!
Every time i laugh! I think it has all gone! Naah! Seems like it never wants to leave me alone!
But then the question is , am i ready??
Am i ready to let go of something so stinging
Am i ready to let go of something so beautiful

There is one question now!
Is it or was it so difficult to give no for an answer?
Is it or was it so unfair to give yes for an answer?

And as always and as usual!
I choose the wrong person! 
I ask the wrong questions!
I look for the wrong set of answers!


There is one more question!
For once in many years, it was that festive atmosphere in the old city.
People rushed in and rushed out of the temples! 
For once, the air infected me!
For once, the infection caught me!
But for once when i just thought there is a god!

But nothing can breach the wall!
I don't know there is a god or not!
I definitely know that whatever i have to do is what i actually want in life!

Your's 
Nobody said you have limited questions per life time
Nobody said you have limited answers per questions
If i don't look for answers, the questions will drown me
If i don't find the right answers, the innumerable questions will take me down to hell

The idea of god!

Today am gonna write about something, that is completely alien to me and you as well. What is your idea of a god? 

I won't say the idea or the concept is completely mine.... Past few days have been unbearable..Somewhere in between all this when i searched for solace, i found a book that somehow rests my ever restless soul..."There is no god" by Khuswant Singh....This was my first book by the open minded and powerful writer..And i loved it...He somehow makes a lot of sense...

Somehow and somewhere deep within i always wonder, if there is a god, is he blind to humanly sufferings? Why does he have to....i don't know whether he exists or not...

And as obviously I can't wait for you forever.I will have to find a way... i will have to search my own set of answers!

If you ask me...Few months back i believed in a god who exists...and like a fool I was blind enough to see the crystal clear truth.... I don't know even now whether he exists or not...But i know his existence somehow boosts morality....Somehow i can see the hope floating above me....

Yeah it's definitely an idea...there is no god.....it's a belief that we have nurtured for years..... Whether or not we have seen him, we know he exists in some form.....

Having said that there is no god, i accept that it's just my perception.... It's like an unexpressed emotion....you feel it but you don't have the guts to deny it or accept it...you know there is no god, it's just an idea of having one supreme force that is above all....Above all humanity..Above you and above me....Something that eventually sets the stage in an imperfect perfection....

Am not an agnostic...i guess something inside me has died long ago to even register the idea of it.....

There have been instances when i find myself chanting those mantras just as a part of my daily routine...I no longer feel the power, i no longer feel the strength.. 

This doesn't mean i have stopped worshiping...I do and i will continue to do so... 

I was once a person who  abstained from food for a day or so for the sake of my strong belief....I was once a person who visited temples to seek the blessings...I continue to do the same and i will... But i only have one question now- why me? why not me?

Many of you will not agree with me and i don't want you to also....It's my perception and like i always say...Perception is what i feel, it's not an obligation...

You agree or disagree with what ever you believe.

Your perception no longer holds a place

Your ideas no longer feed my ego

Ego! Sometimes i think i have one and sometimes i don't!

Sorry! Sometimes i am sorry for everything and sometimes i am not!

Pity! Sometimes i pity myself and sometimes i pity you!

There is no god

He's an idea of hope

He's a replica of you

He's a blinded copy of faith

He's a shadow of believe

He's a bundle of joy

He's a heap of pain

He's a ray of courage

He's a source of superstition

He's a way to escape

He’s a savior

I haven't completely accepted the fact that he doesn't exist...because some part of me still prays for you..cries for you....begs for you...dies for you....yearns for you...lingers for you....

And like i say, i am not the same but i am who i am!!!

Your's

Seek me!

She is not who she was!

When she talks non stop
It's not always that she complains
It's not always that she argues
She just wants to be heard

When she pours her blue heart out
It's not always that she weeps
It's not always that she griefs
She just wants to feel a little lighter

When she is silent
It's not always that she wants you to understand her silence
It's not always that she wants to you go away
She just needs some moments of peace

When she is away
It's not always that she runs away
It's not always that she hides away
She just wants to regain the old self

And you!
You get it all wrong!
You always look for a point, when there is none!
You always search for the not so hidden words!
You always do that!


Yours
Why do i always ask the wrong questions?
Answer is right there.
I have been blind enough to skip that!