Monday, December 26, 2016

Tos-ka!

If only I could, clear searches

For particular events!

For specific people!

For certain memories!

For the pain!

For the anguish!

For the things I lost in rage!

For the the moments I made up in my mind!

For you!

For me!

Yours
A longing with nothing to long for

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Let go of letting go!

Do you get suffocated, when you see too much of people?

Do you need a time-out, when it all becomes too methodical?

Do you always work on an escape plan, when it all becomes too rhetorical?

Do you always want a free part of you, when you are surrounded by the world?

How do I fit in, when I have these breaking thoughts?

How do I transform into something I am not?

How do I let go of letting go?

How do I pull you closer and how do I push you away!!


Wish it was easier to just let people know, I can't see so much of them!
Or is it??
As always I wonder about a lot of things!

Yours
Don't run from me river
River why do you fall
You can play it cool
Cause when you are in love, you don't mind a different view



Thursday, November 24, 2016

Nothing and everything

There will be days, when you will feel a lot of things together

But is it wise to act on it spontaneously?

There will be days, when you feel nothing

But is it wise to sleep on it?

Why is it that I feel a lot of things and others don't!

Why is it that everytime I/you have to think over and over a lot of things while others don't!

Why is it that before every class, I get the urge to write!

Why is this and that!

Yours
Probably after all this time, I have known me
Probably that's the reason I feel a lot of things

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Draining out

Draining out the surrounding noise is so damn easy!

What bugs me! 

What chains me down!

What drags me back!

Is the noise inside my mind!

I somehow can't seem to drain it out!

Yours
Mind plays mind games

Monday, November 21, 2016

If I let you inside my mind, then you are something

If I let you peep into my soul, then you might have done something right

If I let you understand me, then you are more than what you are to me

If I let you stay, then you might be ' you'

If I have driven you away, then it is for your own good

If I have pushed you far, then it is for my inner peace

If I have done once then I might do it again!


Yours
Jumbled, crumpled thoughts
Really troubled thoughts

Thursday, November 17, 2016

I just read it somewhere that "being single prepares you to be loved"!

Is it just me? Or do you also get this cynical thought?

For one thing I have learnt, that staying single for a long time makes you so enough

Yours
Love makes me cynical
Love makes me sarcastic
You say, I inspire you!

I am fine with that!

But sometimes even I need some inspiration!

Probably its the free mind

Or probably its the free time

Probably its the lack of inspiration

Or probably its just me, as always!

I can't think enough

I can't write enough


Sometimes a good song on a busy day, makes your day!


Yours
Itna sa karam tu kar mujhe par!

Ai raat zara tham thamke guzar!

Mera chaand mujhe aya hai nazar!

Thursday, October 27, 2016

And there it goes again!

Another quiz!

And seems like I was created to love and be loved!

Why does it turn me into a cynic, every time I hear the word!

There are so many things I want to get over!

You might be among them!

But irony is! I can't get over my own destructive self! 

# quiet mornings! # cynical mode!

Yours 
I need some yoga therapy!
I need some calm mind!

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

I have always loved the sea, before you, within you and after you!


Yours
I don't know how long I have loved you

Monday, October 24, 2016

Eventually

That weak moment, when you want to communicate! But then when you look at life, the 'wanting' fades away!
Its easier to look at the pictures! But its never easy to look back...looking back at the memories!

I wish it was as easy as pondering over self made plans!
I wish it was as easy as a conversation!
I wish it was as easy as a phone call!
I wish it was as easy as a writing!
I wish it was as easy as it was!

Eventually you come to know who you are!
Eventually you stop pretending!
Eventually you let go!
Eventually you rest!
Eventually you stop resenting!

But how many eventually's do I need to get over 'you' ?

Why has it not happened eventually?

Eventually! Why hasn't the love faded away!

Yours
Neither my mood swings nor my hormones are raging
It's just that, I get 'you'-sick sometimes

Friday, October 21, 2016

The day I act purely on impulse, I assume I have ADHD!

The day I have my mood swings, I assume I have BIPOLAR DISORDER!

The day I have my psychosomatic pain, I assume I have DEPRESSION!

Then there are days, I don't feel a thing!

 I don't assume! I presume!

Yours
But you always said that I assume things!

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Bitter love

Love makes me a cynic

Love makes me sarcastic

Love makes me a sinner

Love makes me an atheist

Love makes me skeptical

Love makes me destructive

Love makes me sour

Love makes me 'not enough'

Love makes me aware

Love makes me bitter

Love breaks me

Love makes me

Love crashes around me

Love suffocates me


Yours
So much for love

Tuesday, October 18, 2016




Yours
Robert Langdon and Dr. Elizabeth Sinskey reminded me of the not 'us'

People pusher!

Pushing people away is an art!

Is it?

Or do you cultivate it within years?

Or do you acquire it from your own damaged self?

Or do you have it with in?

I knew I never had it!

Do you have it at all?

Is it actually an art?

Is it the right thing to do?

But then what is right and what is wrong!!

But what is right for you, might me wrong for me!

But what is wrong for you, might me right for me!

Yes! I am a self confessed people pusher!
Call me a selfish bitch!
Call me a self centered leo!
But I am my own hero!

And I need some damage control!

Yours
Art of loving your own demons

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

The line

The line which I have fabricated
Is my nemesis

The line which I live by
Is where my soul floats

The line which I swear by
Is where I exist

The line which picks on me
Is how I keep my emotional disaster on check

The line which holds me together
Is the reason why I break everytime

The line which I lowered once
Is the reason why you happened

The line which you saw
Was the reason I could jump over it

Baby you were the reason

Baby you were the grenade

Baby you were/are never mine

The line reminds me of you

The line longs for the unknown

The line scares me

The line gives me troubled sleep

The line keeps me from being me

But to what end!

But what extent!

Yours
You always asked why  I have the line all over me
You always asked me why is the line so high up
And you asked where is the line

Soul has a soul!

Is your soul yours to protect?

Is your soul yours to destroy?


But is your soul yours to carve?

But is your soul yours to ruin?

But is your soul yours to torment?

But is your soul yours to nurture?


Is your soul is what you own?

Is your soul is what is your own?

Is your soul is what you owe?

Keeping secrets and revealing them!

Hiding secrets and protecting them!

Killing it within you, will it bring you any peace?
Burying it deep inside, will it make it any worse?


I don't know about you!

But it definitely calms my nerves!


Yours
You spin my head
You swing my world
Like a wild flower

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Someday!

Somedays I feel a lot of things

Somedays I feel nothing

Somedays I just feel I should stop writing

Somedays I just feel that will suffocate me

Somedays I feel I should just vanish

Somedays I feel I should just stay


Somedays I feel a lot of things

Somedays I feel nothing

Somedays I know things are not correct

Somedays I know things are not always the same

Somedays I ignore things

Somedays I let things burn me

Somedays I let out a lot of things

Somedays I kill them inside me

Is showing off is a way of expression?
Is not showing off makes you insensitive?

What if, you are afraid to do so?
What if, you are protecting your soul?

But is your soul yours to protect?
But is your soul yours to ruin?


Yours
Bryan Adams nearly killed me


Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Coming to terms with who you are!

And then coming to terms with who I am!

Is the hardest thing, I have done in a long time!

But then can you ever come to terms with who you are!

Yours

Early morning thoughts

Monday, September 26, 2016

When you are away, you are away!

What happens when you aren't loyal?

Does the world stop spinning?

Does the moon stop glowing?

Does the sun stop glaring at you?

Are you?

I know I am not!

Every time this psychosomatic rises, it kills me from inside out!

Every time you are away, I miss you a thousand times!

Every time I think I am over you, you don't let me have my closure!

Every time my neck gives me that burning heat, my drunk heart gives me blues!

Why is that, when you are away, you are away!


Yours
Why is this and why is that 

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Doesn't have to

It doesn't have to be the same!

It doesn't have to be you!

It doesn't have to repeat!

It doesn't have to wet my eyes!

It doesn't have to redistribute my thoughts!

It doesn't have to rekindle  the pain inside me!

It doesn't have to kill the inner child!


Once a lesson is learnt, it is forever!

But then is forever is forever?

Yours
Scared inner child

Fights

Some fights are your own!

Some fights you have to fight alone!

Some fights you have inside you!

Some fights you have with your hearts!

Yours
Ever conflicting mind

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Sometimes we draw a line

Sometimes I draw a line

Not to escape

Not to drown

But not to get hurt

But not to experience that feeling- what we call 'Deja vu'

Yours
Tea was never my cup of tea!
Not then!
Not now!
You are not my cup of tea!

Cause baby! I brew my own coffee!

Yours
So much for the love of coffee

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Thanks to you

I can't get you out of my mind
Thanks to you

I can't grow close to another soul
Thanks to you

I can't say just enough
Thanks to you

I can't empathize like I used to
Thanks to you

I can't share my opinion
Thanks to you

I can't shower my concern like I used to 
Thanks to you

I can't hear my own thoughts
Thanks to you

I can't cry like I used to you
Thanks to  you

I can't enjoy silence
Thanks to you

But I can care less!
But I can turn apathetic!
But I can restrain the same old me!

Thanks to you!

Yours
Damn these dampening feelings
Damn these fucking hormones
Damn you
When you were you
You were not my parameter

When you were not you
You were my parameter

When I never used to write about you
You were my kryptonite

When you.....

Somedays even good songs are not good enough to inspire me!
Somedays even the strongest of emotions do not kill me!
Somedays even the weakest of thoughts keep me going!
Somedays even the long lost love splatters my thoughts all over!

I don't know its me or its you! Why do I have to have a parameter? Why does it have to be you? Why do I have to go through all  that again? Why am I afraid to relive the glory? Why do I deflect? 


Yours
You know why I write
You know why I scribble every now and then
Just to flush you out of my system

But you! Like that old promise, never leave me!

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Sometimes there is no right answer!

You just have to find one that sticks to you!

Sometimes there is no wrong answer!

You just have to find one that goes with you!

Sometimes I am lost for words!

Yours
Abandoned thoughts

Hate


I hate the raincoat but I love the rain
I hate the meaningless conversations but I love the memory it creates
I hate the pain but I love the love it brings along
I hate that I love to hate

I hate my scattered thoughts but I love the chaos it creates
I hate my guts but I love the person I am today
I hate my instincts but I love my intuitions
I hate that I love you

They say hate is a very strong word
They say hate is a very powerful word
They say there not enough hate to drive me
They say there is not enough hate to make me angry

What is hate without love!

Yours
Hate me enough 

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Where my demons hide

When you realise that you have only one life to live, does it become easy or does it become difficult?

Or it just hits you all of a sudden?

Or it just stops hurting because you have turned into a apathetic enormous giant?

Or just because you have lost all your warmth?

Or just you overthink every move you make?


If I have changed for good, why does it bother me when a heart breaks

If I have changed for bad, why does it comfort me when I hear your name

If I am over you, why does it break me every time I find a connection?

If I was never under you, why am I scared of something good?

And you say you always learn from your mistakes, have you? 

Or was it even a mistake?

Sometimes I just wonder what makes me 'me'!
Sometimes I just question my own demons!
Sometimes I just search for my inner goddess!

And they say memories cause love! And love definitely kills from within!

Then why can't I kill the you inside of me?

Yours
This is where my demons hide
Don't come close, it's dark in here

Monday, August 22, 2016

Sometimes knowing what you want from life, is not the best thing!
It breaks you and makes you!

Yours
I meant to break you
I meant to make you

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

The utmost desire to care less, makes me apathetic
The intention of letting go of people,  makes me detached
 Trying not to be humane, makes me a little more devilish

Does it curb my happiness?

Yours
Trance state of mind

Monday, August 15, 2016

It's hazardous to love somebody with sheer dedication and much adored loyalty. Cause when they move on, you get stuck with your fucking loyalty!!
I don't know what is wrong and what is right! Or may be I know!
Sometimes I just want to float!

Yours
That weak moment which breaks me

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Everything's shiny!

I love it when the sunlight glitters on the wet sea sand!
Reminds me of something!
Reminds me of somebody!
Reminds me of a happy memory!
Reminds me of you!

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

You wanted

You wanted this

You wanted that

You wanted more

You wanted to take it to the next level

You wanted to move on

You wanted not to want anything more

You wanted to settle the thoughts

You wanted 

You wanted 

Just like a hurricane

Just like the wind

Swept my love away

Yours
Wanna be just as close as the holy ghost is




Monday, August 8, 2016

My-my-my dilemma!

Whether to do it 
Whether not to do it
Or just get it over with 

How often these questions cloud your decision?

What do you do when you don't want to do something, would you do it for a loved one?

What do you do when you don't want to do something, would you do it for a dear friend?

Is it even right to base your decisions on the emotional bond you share with the other living thing?

Or the decisions are worthless in front of a priceless bond?

What about my inner goddess?

Will she let me do it?

What if I say my negativity bothers me 

What if I say my positivity bothers me

Is it selfish?

Is it cruel?

It it incorrect?

Is it even worth every moment of my time?

Is it absolutely wrong to do something that is always correct?



There you go! Always with a dilemma!
Always with numerous questions!
Why does it always have to end up with a question?



Yours
One half wants you
The other half wants to forget you
I just can't get you out of my head
My-my-my- dilemma

Friday, July 29, 2016

Too much like love

I think love is very much like morphine!
It has abuse liability!

When you are under the influence of love-drug, its all cloudy above and outside your head!
When the effect is wearing off, you start to feel that floating

Hannibal is not pleasing to watch
Neither for the faint hearted
Nor for the sensible human

But there comes a time, when you are so angry at yourself than at other people, you are sane enough not to hurt yourself, so you look for virtual gross sightings! 
I don't know whether I am into it or not but it definitely helped me to flush my anger.
Since I have lost it all, I find it difficult to watch gory hannibal! 

Or its just the state of my mind! Like always!

Yours
I am not a morphine user
I am just a pharmacologist
Drawing out my own conclusions, like always

Too humane isn't ethically correct!

The other day my friend accused me of being 'too humane'. Well those of you who know me well, will probably understand why this troubles me. Too humane! Will that make me a saint? I don't want to be one. Hugh Grant said to Sandra Bullock in the movie two weeks notice ' you are too perfect. You are like a saint. Saints are boring. Nobody wants to live with a saint.' Well is that the reason ..never mind...

What is right?
Always seeing the good things in a person?
Or always seeing the ugly things in a person?
Can you be neutral?
Or can you see both of them and balance the palette?
I can't. Something good and something bad always affects my judgement. Is it just me? Does it happen to everyone else?

Well if you ignore the negative things, does it make you too naive??
Well if you ignore the positive things, does it make you too aware??

How much is too naive?
How much is too aware?

Or is it that, you will have to cultivate the, for that matter I have to cultivate the art of judging people based on both their aura? Isn't that too humane? (wink) ( oh I miss the wink so much)

There are things I don't know! But I want to know.

And if something isn't right, I get that off feeling! It troubles me about how and why small things affect me so much!

Yours
I don't need saving
I can, I have and I will continue to save myself
I just need answers

Unlearning!

The transition from 'I can't live without you' to ' what the hell was I thinking!'  is never easy. Nobody said it is. But after I or for that matter anybody who reflects back, definitely doubts his/her sanity! It kind of sounds very hilarious now but the past is in the past. It annoys you. It haunts you. It tears you up from within. But after you have self taught yourself how to rise above all this, it is very difficult to unlearn. 

Yours
How easy is to unlearn things

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Act of detachment

The act of detachment!

The more I run away, the less I achieve it
The less I expect, the more I resent
The more I resent, the less peaceful it gets
The less chaotic I make it, the more appealing it appears
The more I run away, the less I achieve it


The more I detach myself, the less it hurts
The less it hurts, the more I reflect
The more I think over it, the less I brood over
The less I care, the more I cry
The more I feel sad, the less comes out 
The less I become depressed, the more air I breathe in
The  more I detach myself, the less it hurts

Then why do I ask myself the same question
The why do I still think of you in a certain way
Then why do I linger in my memories
Then why do I connect with people
Then why do I yearn for love 
Then why do I sing the unsung songs

Probably deep within somewhere that old self is still surviving
That old self is looking for a chance to surface again
That old self is what I am
But why do I like the new cold me?


Is this the turning point, where the old self will resurface again and will point to the new self that I am actually over you?


Yours
Unanswered questions




Thursday, July 14, 2016

Its always easier to end a conversation than start one.
While ending or for that matter if you wish to end one, just say nothing.
But if you wish to continue, you have to actually contribute.

Yours
Writers block
Too many thoughts make my brain go mad

Found the old me

I am sceptical. Always there's some part of me that wants to scream out loud. 

But then there is that
But then there is that thought 
That clogs me down
That drags me down

I haven't felt this way in a long time
Long time isn't long enough

Even I can be happy
Even I can be happier with people around
Even I can still be me within the crowd
Even I can go back to being the same warm person

Yes cold never bothers me
Yes warmth always scares me
Yes the old me is emotional
Yes the new me is stone cold
Yes I like the new me

Sometimes in the middle of no where, you realise that you have healed
Sometimes in the middle of a road, you hear your own thoughts
Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, you experience deja-vu
Sometimes in the middle of a trip, you get to clear your head


Yours 
I find myself short for words
I find myself being cautious over being expressive
I find myself at a place where I am afraid to bare my soul
But I have found myself
 But I have found the old me

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Heartaches that ache

You didn't give me a heart attack, when you left
You didn't give me a heart attack, when you twisted the thread
You didn't give a heart attack, when you started a fire
You didn't give a heart attack, when you ignited the spark inside me
You didn't give me a heart attack, when you turned out be "you"

Why is that, my heart aches now
Why is that, my heart feels the physical pain
Is this the ischemia screaming?
Is this the muscle getting tired?
Or is this just my restless mind tricking me into something like this!

Yours
Heart that aches, aches



Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Reliving the scattered thoughts

I always ask myself the same questions over and over again!!

How ethical is this and that?

How radical  is this and that?

How logical is this and that?

Why it bothers me, when you are smiling your heart out

Why it bothers me, when you are you and I am me

Why it bothers me, when you are incredibly happy with the significant other

Why it bothers me, when you have entwined your fate with the significant other

And I kill my little soul over and over you again to get over you again and again!

Yours
Every time I relive it, I stab my scattered soul again and again



Why is this and why is that

The question is, do we all want the same things from life?

Same massive amounts of love

Same huge quantities of air

Same immense pleasure

And same inner peace

But what about personal space?

Isn't that a basic need?

And how personal is this space?

Then why aren't we all same then?

Why are we just vaguely similar?

Why is that, this personal spaces widens you up?

Why is that, this personal space spaces you out?

Why is that, this personal space plays with your mind, body and soul?

Well! why is this and why is that will eat up my whole inside out!

Yours
Slightly delusional and largely broken heart



Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Sometimes all you can do is, ignore things, ignore people, ignore their behaviour & ignore everything that sets you off.

At least I am trying to
At least I am learning to
At least I know I am!

Yours
Ignorance keeps my neuropathic nerve without getting on my nerve

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Dear reader from Germany,

Thanks for being a regular. 

Regards
Devasrita

Friday, May 27, 2016

Until then

The day you realise, everyone is different
You become wiser

The day you realise, you are different
You rest in peace

The day you realise, you can't expect the whole world to dance to your music
You become smooth

The day you realise, society will always drag you down
You sulk less

The day you you realise, everybody lies
You become a skeptic

The day you realise, you can't have it all
You learn to grow from the ashes

The day you realise, you have you priotize
You become decisive

The day you realise, you have to let go
You start breathing again


Until then, run after the restless mind
Until then, never say never again
Until then, chase peace
Until then my friend
Until then!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

I wish I could take back my love

I wish I could give it to somebody else

I wish I could just pass it on to the one who deserves

But how do you know?

But how do you find the one?

But the one who deserves & the one who is destined to! Aren't they different?

Well, are they ?

Definitely they are!

I ain't that lucky!

Can be 

Cannot be

May be 

May not be

I believe & I live in the afterglow of my troubled soul and restless mind!

Yours
A girl is no one
A girl remembers
For the night is dark and winter has begun


# Oh so much for the love of game of thrones



Wednesday, May 25, 2016

I often ask myself this question- How many writings it will take to flush you out of the system?

Then there's a pause. As skeptical as ever, my restless minds smirks at me!

And then there is that! You can overcome your mind!

I will! I need to!

Yours
Don't dance like nobody is watching, because they are!
Dance like you are making love!

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Setting fire to the rain

Sometimes you have to do things, which is way out of your league
Sometimes you have to do things, which you probably shouldn't
Sometimes you have to do things, which is forbidden

And sometimes to need to do things, to calm your restless mind!

But what if it is wrong!

We are free to commit our own set of mistakes!

I know I am!

Yours
There a side to me, you never knew
I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour
Let it burn my skin while I cried

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Silence, that eats you up

When there is too much silence in the room, my brain cries out loud!
Stop the mental assault!
Sometimes it resolves the conflicts!
Sometimes it creates them!

Sometimes I thank my brain for crying out loud
Sometimes I curse it

As long as and as far as I hear my own thoughts, its tangible!
The moment I start to hear someone else's thought
It drives me crazy!


And you fool!
You thought, hearing thoughts is such a cool thing!

# Exam invigilation # pin drop silence

Yours
Preoccupied mind pretends to be free

Friday, May 6, 2016

Still my you

Why do you have to come back?
Why can't you take a flight?

Why do I stalk you?
Why can't I delete you?

Why do I have to spend my time staring at the letters?
Why can't I just dispose them?

Why do I even think of you?
Why can't I get over you?

Why are you still my "you"?
Why can't you be my "oh him"?

Why do I let my thoughts linger?
Why can't I cut out the piece?

Why do I still repeat the conversations?
Why can't I erase them?

Why do I still wait to hear your voice?
Why can't I let go of that hope?

Why is it the way it is?

And you said so yourself, get over me!
And you said so yourself!
And you said so yourself!

Yours
Why can't I take back my love
Why can't I be a less consumed

Monday, May 2, 2016

They say, gravity keeps your head straight!
Gravity holds you together!
Gravity drags you down!
Gravity keep your senses where they should be!

What if, you are my gravity!

Gravity brings me down!

Gravity, stay the hell away from me!

Yours

John Mayer's Gravity triggers the faulty switch

Always! Always a you!

Yes! I write often!
Yes! I can write very often!
I write to fill my void!
I write to pull out the me from inside of me!
I write to rest my demons!
I write to wake my inner peace!

One moment I am at rest
The other moment I am restless!

You drag me down!
You scratch the wrong memories!
You wound the dying heart!
You kill me over and over again!

Someone once told me, going back to old memories always keeps you healthy!
Its a reminder of what and how you have become this cold!

I had just dismissed the thought then!

Now I swear by it!

But how long can you hold on to the past, to move on?
Well there goes another question! As always, this continuous pondering over something so fragile breaks the little you into million pieces every time!

Why is it always,  you wanted!
Why is it always,  you said!
Why is it always,  you swallowed your anger!
Why is it always, you let it bleed!
Why is it always, you! 
You is very much me!
I wanted. I said. I strangled. I suffered. I laughed. I angered. I calmed. 
Its always me!
Am I so intimidating?
Well.... My mind definitely is intimidating to my soul!

What can I say! I am the way I am!

Yours
"You wanted it to rise up to the next level"

What about you?



Saturday, April 23, 2016

What women know!

A girl knows whom to keep
A lady knows whom not to keep

A girl knows to let go 
A lady knows how to let go

A girl knows a lot of things
A lady knows what not to know

A girl knows her friends
A lady knows her good company

A girl knows her outfit
A lady knows what makes her a lady

A girl knows her decisions
A lady knows which one to stand for

For sure a girl knows many things
Because it is later that girl becomes a  "LADY"

Yours
# Strange thoughts
# Ageing wisely

Friday, April 15, 2016

It is so bad that even Enrique Iglesias, cannot bury the dead!

Me and my broken head

Me and my broken head....
We always have the same conversations
We always end up with  similar conflicts
We always carry the same burden 
We always have the same questions

And like always, there's no rest!
And like always, there's no perfect answer!
And like always, there's no end!

Yours
# old set of mails
And it always triggers the switch button
And it always drags me down to hell

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

What is good for me, might be enough for you!

And just like that we concluded, the "chip" is missing!


If I never get to see you
If I never get to hear you
If I never get to feel you

What if I have already felt, what needs to be felt...

I always question my thoughts.
I often doubt my own believes.
I always question my faith.
I often doubt my intentions.

How often have you felt this way?
How often have you been blind by the goodness?
How often have you been anxious?

Is it the insecurity?
Is it the jealousy?
Is it the success?
Is it the pain?
Is it you?
Is it just me?

I have one question for you, is it fair to let one fly high, when you know the ground is not green grass?

I have one question for you, is it fair to let one put up a show, when you know the show wasn't good enough?

But then what is good enough! What is good for me, might be enough for you!

The rhythm of life goes on and on...More to come and less to go..

Is it fine to be jealous?
Is it okay to be insecure once in a while?
Is it all right to break free from the calm composed self?
Is it nice to get all jittery sometimes?


All this, putting up in front of the world, Is it worth it?
All this, showing off the disturbed side of me, Is it appropriate?
All this, plating it as you think it is, Is it rational?

But in the end, it all comes down to inner peace...Inner peace is what keeps me sane...But I don't mind embracing insanity for the nth time.

Sometimes I just wonder whether inner peace is all I want?
Don't you need more than just that?
You are no Buddha!

We all search for something to validate us! At least we trick our minds to think this way!
I thought I had tricked mine into believing in something that wasn't real. 

But then in the end,
I only want my mind, heart and soul to validate me.
To validate my existence
To validate my inner demons 
To validate my outer angels


Yours
Deeply disturbing thoughts
Kafka once said "Don't edit your own soul according to fashion."

But can you actually, edit the soul?
Your soul
My soul

I think of it as a challenging task!

And they always say "nothing is impossible"

# Midnight sleep onset insomnia thoughts

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

That blank space!

And she told me" Clearly girl, you are not over him. Get it done fast."


I stared into the blank space, which was kind of blurry.
All the blurriness, was not due to alcohol. Well in that case, it opens up the ever demanding mind.

Blurriness occurs when there are too many jumbled thoughts!
Was it or is it worth everything!!!

Sometimes you are out of the woods
Sometimes you are trapped in between one!
Wanting to break free
Wanting to hide denser
Wanting to lead that loner life

Yours
You cut me deep!
You cut me so deep!

I just thought to myself "Will I ever heal?"

Uninterrupted Thoughts!

Funny business! 

How conversations make you fall in and out of love!!

# Thoughts come and go, but you don't!

Digging you up

You said I didn't listen to you

You said I got bored with our conversations

You said I was consumed by my own thoughts, when I was still in ours

And I said I am a good listener

And I said I accept all trash talks 

And I said in my head: Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours



You have crossed my path!
                 Many of you!

Yours
Why is it that you keep coming back!

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

TOW the obnoxious questions

Cleansing and detoxing clears the toxins!
But what about the mind and soul?

Can you cleanse your karma?

Can you de stress your thoughts?

Can you flush out the toxins infesting on the mind?

Can you eliminate all the love?

Can you metabolise al the hatred?

Can you absorb all the pain?

Can you ingest what is not rightfully yours?

Can you bio transform your soul?

Can you bio equivalent your judgements?

Can you inject your ego into the outer surface?

Can you patch your peace?

Can you cut out your inner demons?

Can you burn your faith?

Can you sew the skins together?

Can you terminate the chaos in your heart?

Can you stop the passing time?

Can you fix me?

Can you?

Can't you!

Oh! Only it was easier!

Yeah...I ask a lot of questions! But only to rest my inner chaos!

Yeah.. they never get answered! But that doesn't stop me from asking obnoxious questions!


Yours
The one with the obnoxious questions(wink)

Stab.Run.Cleanse.Repeat.

Stabbing you where it hurts
Wasn't my plan

Running towards you
Wasn't my idea

Swamping you with all that crap
Wasn't my best of interest

Going away from you
Wasn't my take on situation

I need more that just that

Only if 

You could have been adequate

You could have been more apt

You could have been a little less loving

I could have been a lot more stingy 

I could have been a lot more closed

Why did I lower the guard

Why did I put the wall between us

Why did I 

Yours
You are my kryptonite
I often loose my mind

Friday, March 18, 2016

I don't know who scratched whom!
But there was definitely a scratch!

# Mixed feelings and bitter sweet memories

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Sometimes you need to venture out in the wild, to find the new you!

# Kala kutta thoughts

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Very few friends stay with you all your life!
All that remains -are "memories"..
I read it somewhere, that the opposite of love is apathy.
I wonder whether deleting old photographs are as easy as deleting people from our life! 

We store the extra and really important stuff in the external hard drive!
Then we tend to transfer junk, only there is so much extra space
Then we tend to fill up the half filled hard drive,  very much like the half-filled glass!
A layer of memories stacks up on them!
A layer of faded smiles spreads over it!
Time flies by!
Very important becomes not so important and then goes down the "let's forget gutter"

And then we start deleting those files! And this very process exhausts you! It exhausts me!

Ghost of  the good past
Ghost of the bad past

Both haunt us either way!

Yours
If only it was easier to drag you down out of the system

From flair to flare

The flair for drama is drowning!
The love for dramatics is rising!

Life has too much drama to offer!

What is life, without a little drama! ehhhh...

Everybody got their reasons
Everybody got their seasons

Somehow and somewhere

I fail to escape

I fail to cope

And there's that little devil inside me, which screams

Shut the **** up!

Yours
I always find myself dreaming of that perfect world
Where I am a gizelle!

Friday, February 26, 2016

Ah well! Sorry doesn't sweeten my tea!
But it makes my coffee bitter though!

And I like it bitter!

Yours
Early morning thoughts

Friday, February 5, 2016

One little letter, one huge memory

Very few friends stay with you all your life!
All that remains -  "memories"
Sometimes old hand written letters 
Sometimes old cards
Sometimes old photographs
Sometimes old messages
Sometimes old people

They remind me of you 
You are a part of me
You are a part of who I am
You are a part of my memory
You are a part of hard drive
You are part of my picture frame
You are part of my happiness
You are part of my nostalgia
You are part of my pain


Yours
One hand written letter from a friend
Makes me nostalgic
Makes me question the whole integrity of friendships

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Until you know what you are missing, 
You never miss a thing!

That is the tricky thing about emotion!

Yours
Thought provoked during the epic journey
 Sometimes too much respect fucks up everything!

Yours
# Respect 

Friday, January 1, 2016

For the love of travelling- Exotic Rajasthan

My indigenous affair with traveling started when I was very young. But the real zeal of traveling caught me in my early twenties.
I have travelled with family.
I have travelled with old friends
I have travelled with new friends
I have travelled with complete strangers
I have travelled with my gang
I have travelled with colleagues
I have travelled alone
Nothing can beat the feeling of being on the run!

Every time before I start my journey I get apprehensive
And every time I touch home after a trip, the hollowness eats me
Every time I look at my feet and think is this the last trip?
How many time have you noticed that something good has ended before it ends?

For a person for whom sea and hill station is an usual affair, visiting Rajasthan was offbeat.
Sometimes you write a travelogue because you were so happy during the trip, you want re-live it again and again! And sometimes you just write it for the love of writing.
The journey started on a different note! Embarking on a journey always send jitters…good ones and bad ones.

All you travelers out there, a piece of advice- do check your tickets thoroughly before you jump into the train, bus for that matter anything. And trust me it’s going to save you a lot of embarrassment. I suffered some serious identity crisis (wink). Never mind that’s a different story. Let me not drag you there…

Finally my train touched Rajasthan…. And then the routine checking in and all that mundane regular stuff. Next, was travelling across the city in the local transport. This part of the travel somehow gives me a usual at the same time unusual feeling….

Bheed to har jagha hoti
Ghar mein bhi aur bahar bhi
Bheed mein khona to ghar pe munaseef nahi
Lekin kisi dusre seher mein
Lekin kisi anjaan nagri mein
Khud ko bheed mein khone ka mazza hi kuch aur hi hota hai
Yeh baateein to chalti rahenge…filhaal hum nahi khote..chalo us dor ko kheench le…


My first bus ride in Rajasthan and I got scolded by those “rajasthani chori-s”. Remember when they say eyes speak. Trust me, it definitely does! And as a self-proclaimed photographer I could only imagine them in my invisible frame.

Whatsoever, I finally reached “Blue city-Jodhpur. Rajasthan has a tune attached to its name. As beautiful is the place, beautiful is the music. With all those palaces, forts, rajputs, royal gharana stories, haunted “Kuldhara”, Jaisalmer’s yellow limestone carvings, the living fort…Somehow it all stays with you. And then you sit under the naked full moon night sky, cold chilly breeze and sight of the Meherangarh fort and real good food and with an old friend. What more can you ask for? It’s a feeling nobody can take away from me and I can’t possibly put it in writing. But I think you will go with the flow.

Rajasthan is a place:
Where ever you go, the music follows
Where ever you go, the voice follows
Where ever you go, the shadow follows
Where ever you go, the thought follows

After exploring the beautiful Rajasthan…Gorging on the kachoris…Then we…well we.. I definitely had company…. a very old and wise friend.  On another midnight run to the next destination, we actually fought with a person who as quoted by his family members was the way he was cause “ yahan ka hawa paani aisa hai” and “uska tone hi aisa hai”… I was like what the fudge! People actually give such explanations. Night-out on a train with the bone chilling cold wind of a winter night was an out of the world experience. Yes I miss winter. When you tend to stay in Manipal for a decade or more, the threshold goes down. God only knows, the “garam adrak-wali chai” saved us. There was something about this place which kept my psychosomatic pain components very happy releasing a lot of endorphins (well these are the perks of being a pharmacologist). It isn’t fair if I don’t mention about the world famous “Pushkar mela”. Its huge, though I didn’t see what I was hoping for. But its worth a visit. Then the famous “Brahma temple by the pushkar lake”. Going by the mythology, Lord Brahma is worshipped in very few temples. This is one of them. The temple, the evening aarti and the lake, its beautiful. And there was Ajmer. Ajmer is famous for two things- Ajmer Sharif Dargah and the rose flavoured lassi. The place gives you so much peace. It was altogether a very different yet wonderful experience for me. Rajasthan gave me something- peace and a lot of thoughts to feast upon. This part of the story won’t be complete without me mentioning about the adventure of getting down in a completely unknown station, and hunting for garam chai…And god bless the old lady who was nice enough to make us a “perfect ginger tea” so early in the morning.


Next was – Jaisalmer. The golden city of gives you a grand welcome with all those spectacular yellow lime stone carvings. It is amazing how delicate and extremely beautiful these carvings are. It will surprise you, in a brilliant way. Then there is the living fort of Jaisalmer. “The Living Fort” as called by the locals. It’s a home to thousands of locals. The grandeur of the place sweeps you off your feet. And then there was the chilly weather, which made it all better. The next part of the journey covers the safari through “Thar desert”. First they took us through the deserts, better to hire an SUV. The road gets better and better as you move forward. You can actually see all the sand below the layer of coal tar. Passing by the barren lands, windmills by the side, few small huts in between, it all made me wonder people still live like this. It is saddening to look at. No water, no plantation and they have to travel quite a lot of distance for grocery shopping. Even the cattles have nothing to graze on, but they all survive. Let’s not indulge on the darker side of the place. Yeah then the camel ride. Well with all that massive amounts of adipose tissue, I really felt sad for the camel. Poor animal. But somehow the “sawari” gave me that “your royal highness” wala feeling. Watching the sun go down and light washing away the desert was stunning. The evening was later followed by cultural richness and proper marwadi bhojan. We returned when the night was still young, with the moonlight guiding us through the darkness. (Darkness just reminded me of “Darth Vader”). The next day we covered “Kuldhara- the abandoned & cursed village”. The strangeness of the place sends you back in time. One night in 1825 and all the 83 villages were abandoned, leaving back a cursed village. The ruins of Kuldhara stands still surrounded by the strangeness and emptiness dawned upon it by mankind. And if you actually google, it is haunted my friend. “Haunted” !! The next and last destination was “Longewala post”. Whatever they showed you “Border”, it is the same place. The place, the Pakistani tanks and a small video on what exactly happened in the battle of longewala, it all made me wander about the true nature of a man.

They kill
They save
They kill again
They save again
Few run away
Few fight bravely, with their inner demons and the outer as well

The visit also included being a part of “aarti” at “Tanot mata ke Mandir”. It all speaks for the believe in something so powerful even science fails to explain. A power bigger than everything, a power above everything. You actually have to visit the places to feel, what I felt. It is something unusual and at the same time very usual.
There ends my long travelogue.

Yours
Hodophilic wanderlust