How flexible are you?

We often say that, we learn from our mistakes. But have ever wondered how far it is relevant?
Just this morning a twisted thought crossed my mind.
How often do we change ourselves?
Not change, at least try or make an attempt to do one? I don't know how often i do. 
But i definitely like to believe that i have changed a lot than the older self to a new annoying one.
But like they say, the old ones know you better than yourself. 
An old friend tells me i haven't changed a bit. And speaking of old friends and new ones, I have come to a point where I can say i have known that person forever.

And coming back to committing mistakes and learning from them has always been a blur. 

Sometimes i feel it is my mistake
Sometimes i felt it was my mistake

Sometimes i feel it is who i am
Sometimes i felt it was what i am made of

Sometimes i feel may be i function only in a certain way
Sometimes i felt my flexibility to adapt is, minimal

And sometimes when i can't find an answer
I believe may be the person is like that and i had to or have to behave the way i had to or have to

Ehhh! You seem a little confused right know!
That's because you are holding on to something!

I don't know whether i have learnt from my mistakes but in the process i have learnt to let go of things that is not mine!

And for that matter, why harbor something, that doesn't even need one!!!

It's not true that we always learn form our mistakes and try to avoid doing the same again. 
Not everything we say or hear is true. 
How you perceive things and how i perceive things are totally different. 
That doesn't make you a saint and me a bitch. That doesn't make you a dog and me an angel.



Your's
I can't be, what i am not!

And in the end they call her a damaged good!

Every other human being in the planet is prone to damage....Who isn't? After all we live in this not-so-perfect world, where you have to pay a price for your own deed.

But then who is afraid of what comes in or who isn't?
But then who is fearless of what goes in or who isn't?

How do you classify someone damaged or for that matter irreparable??
Do  you do that a lot??
But then isn't that true that; at least some point of time you too are damaged!
Is there even a degree to measure the damage done?
What damages your mind?
What damages your body?
What damages your soul?

Damage to the mind, well that is not clearly anatomical!
Damage to the body, well that is clearly physical!
Damage to the soul, well that is not clearly superficial!

Physical damage, we all know what it can do the victim! It can clearly burn your entwined soul! Some are brave enough to counterbalance the imbalance and some are overshadowed by the trauma. It is not something everyone can deal with every now and then. Some go on with their life and some end their life. May god bless their soul.

Some say i write about things that are not mine
Some say i write about the yearning
Some say i write about things that are too personal
Some say i write about the excruciating pain

And today i have this one question- Am i addicted to the pain?
                                                   Am i addicted to the misery?
                                                   Am i loosing myself?

I don't know how and why, but somehow it  unclog my numbing system....
And yet again i lost my trail of thoughts.....Why do you have to keep coming back!!!!

It's always who you are and who you become!
Sometimes i get worried that i am turning into that cold insensitive person that i have always been afraid of!
Sometimes i just dismiss the thought! But then that's what we all do!!! If you can't beat them, join them!
Similarly if you can't stop thinking, then make it even more complicated for the mind; to register the exact emotion.
Or else we just ignore those cramping thoughts!!

I used to know a man
I used to know a friend
I used to know a philosopher
And i assumed that i knew him just enough!
But then what is just enough?

Why is it that everytime they call her damaged?
Why is it that everytime they look at her with hatred
Why is it that everytime she crosses the path, they curse her
Why is it that everytime she looks up, they close their eyes
Why is it that everytime she tries to whisper, they blow it up
Why is it that everytime she loves, they shut her down
 You will never have the answers, neither will i have!

Your's
What is that, that is just enough
What is that, that is just adequate
What is that, that is not appropriate
What is that, that is not comforting

Why are we judgmental?

I often get confused while judging your character. Then i think why take the pain of judging you, let me drop this case and move on. But then moving on, as i always say is never easy. It just withers with time and puts a rest to my ever restless mind. That's all it does!

But don't we judge people every now and then. I think i do.Though i give it a million thoughts the very next moment but i judge, i get judged too. I get judged every now and then. I think it's a part of our human nature. Though it's really amazing if you don't judge at the very first sight. And some might not even call it a judgement, just an opinion might do the trick! :)

Alrightiee then! The real challenge is i will write a piece today. And i will write it alone, without you!

Yeah so.... not deviating from the topic, as i was saying- we judge! And we do that very often! Ever wondered why we do this??
Naah you wouldn't have! Cause that's my job! I always wonder and wander! Speaking of which, i might elope somewhere someday and mark my words! Just alone! I think i can buy me some "me time". Isn't that my "haq"?? 

Deviating for the soul topic, i think it has become my trait. Nevermind!! Getting back to the topic. 

Sometimes i feel, we judge because our brain can't stop thinking for one second. But if it stops, then al together that's a different scenario. Let's skip that part. 
Yeah so...Normally with every action potential, generates a new thought which makes it a million thoughts running through the mind at the same time! Some might be just an illusion and some might be delusional. But it always depends on you what you pick! Isn't it always this way! And well as a part of the genetic makeup, we get lured by the Satan and we tend to pick the wrong set of illusions! And if you look at it at a broader scale everything is first an illusion. You are the one who gives it a shape, who chooses it to be how it should be! Rather i would say, you choose everything. 

You choose everything
You choose your actions
You chooses your words
You choose your fate
You choose yours thoughts
You choose your judgments
You choose your deeds
You choose your disappointments
You choose your misdeeds
You choose your luck
You choose dare
You choose the truth

Not entirely true and factual but then everything has a reason if you dare to look for one! But then do you dare? 

Getting judged by people was once a biggest fear! Has been that way for quite some time. But then a time comes when even the strangest person in the whole wide world knows you better  than the person standing next to you! There comes a time when you realize that nothing matters after all. As long as you are able to hold your sanity in one place it doesn't matter at all, but the moment you loose it, you seem to fear what the world will think of you. But trust me, if you can, letting go of things are never easy and you can never let go of things, you learn to adapt. And once you know that it no longer bothers you, you are happy! 

I have seen people, for that matter quite a lot. 

Some say they know me well enough to even understand my unspoken words but are deaf enough to hear what i have to say.
Some say they can sense my despair, my agony and my pain.
Some say they can hear my happiness.
Some say they choose to ignore everything that concerns me.
Some say they are part of me, but i feel that part falling apart.
Some say they are my song, but i never sing that song.
Some say they are my lyrics, but i never scribble them.

People said, People say and they will continue to say so many things they never meant, and why does it bother me every time they say something do surreal?

The point is you judge and you get judged, and it will continue to be so. What matters is the quality or pattern of thinking that you construct later. 

Stop right there before your ruin it. Give it a thought even if you are afraid to do so. 

Your's
And i thought too much sanity will take me everywhere
And i thought too much insanity will make me sane

It looked as if she had seen the same ghost again. It kept coming back to her. As if never leaving alone was the only motto the ghost had in its mind. 

I don't know what to say
I don't know what not to say

I can't make the pain go away
I can't make the pain stay longer

I don't wanna sing the same song again
I don't wanna sing another song the same day

I want to cleanse my soul
I want to clear my memory
I want to stop my breathe
I want to kill all my emotions, but haven't I?

Not even a silent yes, not even a louder no

The pain is incandescent. Sometimes i just want to dig in as many hole it takes to make a big hollow cylinder so that whatever goes in, comes out clean! But i guess i don't have any filter. Whatever goes in, gets stuck for quite sometime. What amazes me is whether it gets stuck deliberately or i suffocate it to death inside me?
But the if it stays, then for how long?

By the way how long is forever??

Sometimes i wish i could make the pain go away by bursting the bubble
And sometimes i wish i could suck out the pain out my life through a needle!

And you say i don't have any wish! 

You never leave me!
You never leave me alone!

I think about you when am awake!
I think about you in the shower!
I think about you when am physically somewhere else!
I think about you in my trans state!
I think about you when am driving, probably that's the reason why i get lost!
I think about you when am alone, but am i alone, probably that's why am so self-involved!
I think about you when am asleep!
I think about a lot and probably that's why it is so exhausting!

You know what i think  i should take a break from myself!! Well is that even possible??

When i become tired of you, i rest my ever restless mind
But i guess that is formidable ever since i met you
And i end up dreaming about you!
And i end of loving you even more!

I know love is not enough, but how much is enough?

I have to let go 
I have to close the lid once again
I have to shut down
I have to zip up once again

And you have nothing to say!
Not even a silent yes!
Not even a louder no!

And here i am, again!! Stuck in the same neurotic place as ever!